All I want for Christmas

and next Christmas, and the Christmas after that, and...

My previous blog was from midterms just finishing and all of a sudden, today is the last day of classes, bringing to an end my first university semester. It really did go quick. It was challenging I guess, but nothing too unbearable- I mean I'm still here and can "afford" the time to write this blog.

I'm in the laundry room waiting for my clothes to dry. I'm also procrastinating a bit. My second religion essay is due in a week and of course intimidation leads to avoidance. I really just want to finish this essay though, then I can focus and study for finals. I feel like it's all going to go by really quickly. I can't wait to go back to Toronto!

I've talked about living arrangements for next year already. House hunting is so exciting! I can only imagine how much more exhilarating it'll be when you search for a new home with someone you really care about. Let's not even imagine the thrill of purchasing your first home!

I am not going to deny that I really anticipate growing up even more. I can just see others advising me to enjoy my youthful university days when I can- and I am having a very pleasant time here; it's just I can picture even better days ahead. Those upcoming days down the road is more my scene if you know what I mean.

Oh my god! I only have 17 days left and then I'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I was supposed to

understand myself best...so I thought.

Midterms were over last week! Since last Thursday I have not accomplished anything academically. So much for vowing to stay ontop of readings and stuff from now on because the midterm cramming was not pretty... I'm so behind. I just read my previous blog post and I laughed a little. Without realizing it, I did not look at my blog until after midterms.. but ironically I'm back on the blog because I am procrastinating once again.

Two days ago I got sick. I laid in bed and watched 8 straight episodes of TVB! My love, TVB! I was right to avoid dramas at all cost.. cause once you start you CANNOT stop! I've been so tempted to start watching again... but I know that if I start I won't be able to stop until another 8 episodes.

The procrastination these last few days have been horrid! I've spent hours on facebook, browsing the internet, doing nothing...

In two hours I am leaving for the QBET conference for the weekend. I have a 15% COMM103 report to write for Wednesday... I'm so screwed!

On another note, back to my heading today...

Sometimes I feel like I'm my own personal psychiatrist who's trying to figure myself out- but fails. I find myself analyzing my own actions, thoughts, behaviors and try to trace back to the cause and reasons for why what I do what I do. Some are more obvious, more reasonable, more believable...others maybe a bit of a stretch of my vivid overly active imagination.

You always hear the phrase, theres someone out there that understands you better than yourself. Do you think that's true? I do and don't at the same time. Other people that observe you may be able to make conclusions more objectively... but I don't think theres one individual (at least for me) that has been with me through all the various stages of my life.. from childhood life shaping experiences to today. Of course, there are individuals who I can tell almost everything to. I once had a theory that it's good to not be afraid to share everything with at least one other person. I'm not saying- speak all your secrets to one person, but theres probably certain people that you just like conversing with for certain topics.

Do you still follow what I'm trying to say? Cause I don't think I do. I think after this whole big circle I need to conclude with: the more I think I understand, the more I want to deny.. but can you really deny understanding? Can you really deny the truth? Can you really deny your past?

Family

the people you're related to? or the people you can relate to?

Hey everybody, I have been procrastinating like no tomorrow as of late. I just signed on for hopefully the last time until after midterms, or maybe even longer past that. I will stay off for as long as it takes me to catch up and be in control of my life while maintaining a healthy lifestyle with adequate sleep.

Coincidentally, I also noted that this would be my one hundredth note. What a milestone. I feel it is fair for a break now, despite the person that lives diagonally from me's protest.

I love the people on my floor. In a matter of just over a month I feel we have came so far. You guys are like my new family. I call residence home. In fact, I think we all do. Of course, I still love my dearest ones from Toronto (you know who you are).

Otherwise, all you high school peeps, minus the select few (if you're reading this blog post, you're probably on the short list) I can already sense which friendships will endure and persevere through the test of time and distance and which ones merely existed because we happened to see each other everyday. All in all, all that has happened, happened. All's well that ends well. I'm thankful for HCI, but relieved the dramatic high school days are over. Most importantly, I'm glad I chose Queen's.

Now, if I could only manage to not fail out...

You move on from some things

other things, you just never forget.

Hi jw, this post is kinda of just dedicated to you since you've bugged me about posting again. I just didn't really feel like it anymore. Blogging everyday started to feel like a chore, so I asked myself why am a I really do it?

This is the first time I've been home since moving away. I've thought countless times how I miss Queen's. It's weird ey? It's been just a little over a month and already I feel so attached. I look forward to going back.

I think I'm accustomed to writing short, choppy, to the point paragraphs now because of my business communication lab.

Of course, there are things that I will and do miss in Toronto. I've had a very good time seeing and hanging out with some of my best friends. Commencement came and left. It was nice to see all those familiar faces again. It's only been a couple of months and commencement shows which friendships survive or will survive the test of time. I think I know for myself more or less. I sincerely thank my high school, because cliche as it may sound, without the opportunities it gave me I would not be here at Queen's being the person that I am. At the same time, it was a brutal four years from time to time, and I don't mean brutal as in a lot of math homework. All in all, I guess I'm glad I've moved on. I'm glad I've chosen Queen's. I thankful to be around new people and have all these new friends. I already know I will miss my floor at the end of the year and eventually Queen's when I graduate so much more.

So I guess goodbye blog world...until next time.

Words would mean nothing

if we've never seen it before.

After so many years, if you had to live a day without vision it shouldn't be too bad, especially if someone can verbally explain and guide you through everything. However, if you've never experienced vision then no matter how descriptive it is, the words will mean nothing* because you can't attach something tangible to the word. It'll be hard to understand the adjectives used by itself, let alone using dozens of adjectives used to describe something else.

We were eating the other day. jw was in his philosophy class and we started this discussion. People basically connect feelings to words. We don't actually know how it feels to be happy, sad or in love. But once we get this feeling we think it must be that thing they all call being happy, sad or in love. So... imagine all the feelings that exist, but we "don't feel" just because there isn't a word to describe it in the english language...

Day 18: Your favourite room in your house.

First, I don't really have a favourite room in my house.

Second, I'm not in my house.

Third, I probably won't want to post of picture of a room in my house even if I could.

So, I'll just leave you with this:

There's a secret room, somewhere.

* I hope I don't offend anybody here by saying nothing. It's more figuratively speaking. I know people who are visually impaired are still able to experience beauty and see in different ways. I know your sense of touch help envision a lot of things, so for sake of argument say you only have your ability to hear a computer voice throw words at you...How would you know what sharp is? Cold? Smooth? I should just stop talking, I'm making it worst.

Art or doodle..

just a matter of how hard you look.

Day 17: An art piece.

In the summer I was reading about moving into residence. One of the pamphlets said, "Buy posters, plain walls are so high school." I was really a poster type of girl... I never become obsessed with anything enough to justify purchasing and displaying the poster on my wall. Soon the idea of creating a wall quote collage came along. Basically I have an obession with quotes. When I come across a good one, especially one that I can relate to, I scribble it down immediately and then eventually jot it down in one of my journals. I envisioned created a wall full of quotations on individual cue cards. I brought a deck of neon cue cards (pink, green, orange, and yellow), and using a fancy black ink pen I will write individual quotes on them as they come along. So far I only have two because I just started. I am trying to write one quote a day. On the day I write the quote I will display the quote on my cork board outside my door so that my floormates can see. Then from my cork board I will move it onto my wall which is the wall over my bed's headboard. On the cue card I will write the quote, the author if possible and the date I wrote the quote down. If someone else gave me the quote (and when I first mentioned it people on my floor were all like, "I have a good one!" I will also include the name of the person that forwarded me the quote. If all goes well, by the end of the year this will be a decent piece of art.

If you could go back

would you? Wouldn't you more or less just end up in the same way?

Day 7: Five things I can not live without.

1. water

2. food

3. shelter

4. oxygen

5. for the sake of argument... sunlight

Did I make you roll your eyes or something?

Well, when I read the blog topic I thought again...hmm there's really nothing that immediately comes to mind. I just wrote that list for fun, but I think I can twist it around a little to make it more accurate.

1. Toronto tap water. Did you know in a blind taste-testing competition Toronto placed 3rd in all of North America? I miss just running my kitchen tap and drinking the water.. I actually boil my water here and let it cool because it's that bad. The other day I asked my floormates for Brita water, and those that knows me know I was never a fan of (Brita/ double) filtrated water.

2. Food. I won't even know what would happen to me if you just feed me through a UV or through tasteless pills. I love food. I love snacks. I live for the satisfaction of consuming and digesting great tasting food.

3. I love the comfort of my own blanket and pillow? I guess I'm not that picky... considering I just got a new duvet and I fell in love with it so quickly. My new double bed is actually a real bonus compared to my single at home. I guess what I can't live without is knowing that I have my own familar and comfortable bed to hop into when I get home. Thinking of our sanctuary that we can return to after a long day keeps us going sometimes, no?

4. I really can't say I can't live without this... cause it's somewhat rare that I get to experience this but I love cool fresh (morning/lake) air. I love walking outside in the morning and having a cool fresh breeze blow in my face. Sometimes, in the fall and spring, I can experience this when I walk out of the house in the morning to go to school. It would make me smile as I close my eyes to take in a deep breath. It gives that feeling that, hmm today's going to be a good day. This fresh air can commonly be found at the cottage or camping? I like that damp smell in the air. Or after a spring/ summer rain shower...love that smell.

5. I think I've mentioned this before, but just having natural light helps me study better. I'm not particularly bond of the burning sun on hot summer days (especially since I tan so easily). I guess the sunlight's the best in the morning. Another source of sunlight in your life are the people that shine like the sun and bring warmth and joy into your life. These people, and you probably all know who you are, you guys are my sunlight and I can't live without you.

Today, I blogged twice for my baby. It's our six month anniversary. Nothing big I know, but I remember explicitly thinking that because of school and stuff we would never make it this far. He calls me his sunshine sometimes, and so baby just so you know, you're my sunshine too.

p.s. This is the first time I've re-read my work for a long time. I noticed a lot of errors. wl just told me that I had a lot of errors in other posts as well. How embarrassing... I guess I am going to reread my work from now on. And I guess as a disclaimers, all those other times you've caught mistakes and thought: what a illiterate person, it was only cause I didn't proofread.
Shoutouts to my floor/ inside joke: London is in France.

Live a life

where the truth doesn't hurt.

Day 16: A song that makes you cry.

I actually was going to blog this afternoon when I got home from class. I looked at the topic and had trouble narrowing a song that makes me cry. I guess I was kind of searching for a song that will bring me automatically bring me to tears whenever it plays. I guess I don't have one since I couldn't think of one. I was going to say Hurt by Christina Aguilera, but I didn't feel like exposing that story relating to my grandfather, not yet at least with what I think are my new followers. I was also going to just choose one of those songs that I listened to a lot two springs ago following the incident, but they were just like the usual "incident" songs. Plus, I've already kind of blogged about it. The song I eventually chose was unique because I heard for the first time at the scene of the crime. It is now kind of the like the song that I associate with that person. I remember months later, when I thought I have recovered, the song would randomly play from my playlist and it would practically send goosebumps through me. I'll bring me back. Don't think it'd actually made me cry in the later times...maybe initially. I won't deny it used to be kind of depressing, but I'm over it now. So over it. I even played the song as I started writing to experiment. It's just another song now, with some memories attached. Did I say memories, maybe a big joke would better describe the situation.

Oh, and of course the song is: True by Brandy.

Numbers that looks nicer to us:

3, 5, 7, 10, 13, ...

Day 13: Five Funny Fears

1. That's I fall down the stairs. Recently I have been losing my eye and body correlation so that I do a double take and stumble when I walk down the stairs and change from looking forward to looking at the steps to see how many steps are left near the bottom of the stairs.

2. Losing all my childhood pictures in a fire. (knock on wood). At home there is a green Rubbermaid bin and it basically contains all my most valuable possessions. Its that one thing that I plan to grab if I ever need to immediately evacuate my home.

3. Getting robbed. I never carry a lot of cash one me. If I do I'm very paranoid and try to not put all my eggs in one basket.

4. Sleeping through an exam. Imagine doing all that studying just to not be able to take it...

5. Everything that I have accomplished to date has been a big fluke. One day people (i.e Queen's University) will suddenly realizes I'm not all that worthy and tell me to get the hell out. I would never live down ever having to return to Toronto and go to Ryerson... (no offense to Ryerson students).

A vacation

from vacationing.

Most people think of going far away to exotic places when they think about going to vacation. However, a vacation is really a break from your usual environment. If you've been stuck in your cubicle working at your desk for the last 48 months, then a vacation could be a simple as attending a day long work related conference downtown. I'm been at this desk doing applications for so long my vacation is walking across the hallway to mope to my floor mates.

Day 14: A vacation that you would like to take.

My family have never been travelers, thus I have never left Canada. Darn, I can't even make that claim anymore because I drove over to Buffalo for Civics Holiday weekend and had a day long American shopping day. You get the idea though right? So I have never really been the type of people that have long lists of places they want to visit before they die. Even if I did have a list it won't be of famous cities, it would more likely be places where I can see the Earth in it's most natural form: on top of a cliff, on vast stretches of farm land, in a forest or by the waters. However, before the blog challenge got to pose this challenging question to me wl did a couple of weeks ago. I actually had to tell him to ask me again later. Eventually I decided that I would like us to go to Venice together. I don't know much about it, but a book I read as an adolescence called The Thief Lord took place there. I just know that instead of roads, Venice has streams of water and to get from place to place one must travel with boats. This would be a good vacation just cause it'll be so different from what I'm accustomed to. On another interesting note, even within a famous and supposedly beautiful place like Venice there will be parts of the city where it is absolutely gorgeous and then there will be parts where the streams of water will just seem like a huge rotting sewer... That's the harsh reality of life, it's all nice on the outside, but everything and everyone has something ugly to hide.

You never really forget

it's simply hidden, waiting to be triggered.

Last night was a long brutal night. It was kind of hard to get through my morning classes but I did. The weekend is here. Despite all those times I've looked at the time to count down when I can return to my bed to sleep I'm surprisingly not that sleepy anymore. I think I should be productive... I put up my first Do Not Disturb Sign outside my door. I wrote it with crayons on this cartoon-y stationary paper. It says be back at 6pm. It's Friday. Our floor is insisting to live it up...

Day 13: Five Strange Facts About Myself

1. I don't (know how to) enjoy coffee drinks, but I enjoy other things coffee flavoured (candy, pastries, desserts).

2. Every girl (/person) loves shopping, but at times I hate it because I can't stand accumulating so much clothes due to my inability to just throw out/ donate clothes that I clearly haven't worn for years... I believe that they're still functional...and I have yet to find a reliable charitable organization to donate to.

3. When I used to have trouble sleeping at home I would grab my pillow and blanket and go sleep in the basement couches. (I realized I missed my couches when I couldn't fall asleep yesterday).

4. My hair grows very slowly...

5. I have these OCD thing with lined paper... I like the margins a certain length, the blue lines a certain colour, the paper a certain weight... When I have one odd sheet of paper in with my binder of paper that was from all the same company (i.e when I ran out of paper and had to borrow a sheet off someone) I get a little upset. Little...

- Short and sweet.

My first

long night.

I've been in Queen's for almost two weeks and I think this is the first night where I can't sleep. Provided, I've taken naps all week...maybe I'm not tired. Right now I'm in the common room with a couple of people. I was rotting in my room. I didn't want to work, but I didn't want to sleep either. So I can't tell if this feeling is caused by procrastinating, a bad diet, lazy, tired or maybe it's a feel of homesickness. Or maybe it's caused by wl. Yes, Mr. wl I know you'll read this. It's not that there's anything wrong... it's more like everything is too good. Like I said, I wish we would get to see each other already, so then I can get over missing you and get on with my life. Jeez. #$^#*$% I'm actually very frustrated right now. What's wrong with me?!

Anyways, it's past 12am now so technically I can blog my next post. I've put some thought into this.

Day 6: A moment you would like to relive.

When I first read this topic I thought it was kind of interesting. I never really thought about reliving life. It kind of just goes by right? So my first thought might have been the day I got my letter for my scholarship. That was definitely one of my most important/life changing days in my life...but I realized I don't know if I want to relive it. It was a combination of joy, tears, and of course disbelief. Then I thought of memories with my friends. I'm in no way suggesting that they weren't amazing, but I don't feel an urgent need to relive those moments. I'm sure even better ones will be created the next time we hang out. Next I had a wild idea that maybe it'll be cool to relive all those chaotic academic days, those days where we stressed about math tests and all nighters finishing assignments. It's not like I want to go through that again, but in hindsight it's kind of interesting. It'll give us a chance to maybe do it differently. Maybe we'll know not to stress out about it so much. So finally, even though I tried to avoid it in the end I can't help but deny that the moments I want to relive are those spent with that special individual. Especially in light of my emotional state of being lost right now, I really want to relive those times right at the beginning of the summer where we would hang out, watch Mysteries of Love and cook in your kitchen. Or how about that time we had instant noodle at the seven eleven. Or let's not forget lying on the beach looking at what we thought was a shooting star...but was probably a satellite. Or when we were on the ferry on the way back, and the detour to the other island was wonderful because it let us have more time on the ferry. Yep, if I can go back right now I would want to go back to that ferry with my hair blowing in the wind as you hold me in your arms.

There, I said it. And since I just announced my blog to these dudes in front of me they'll probably think I'm a softee after reading this. Sorry guys, I just don't know what's wrong with me.

This kind of feeling might lead to reckless behaviour... remember that issue I have with wanting to do reckless things every now and again? I'll keep you posted.

Don't watch what you're going to eat

or you'll want to eat it.

Did I mention that I feel the freshman 15 piling on? Since two days ago when I came to this realization I began watching what I ate. The stupid buffet style cafeterias are so evil! I know that once I enter their threshold I've already fell for their trap so I've decided to trade in meal equivalences so that I can eat less AND spread out when I eat. For dinner today I went to Lenard with some floor mates and I put less food on my tray. Surprisingly, when I finished everything I felt more than full (but not stuffed like usual) even though quantitatively it didn't feel like too much food.

I'm blogging again because I'm procrastinating. I've managed to take afternoon naps four days in a row! Now thinking about the readings I have to do I'm already contemplating working into the early morning hours...and the first week of school isn't even complete!

Day 5: My favourite pair of shoes.

This topic kind of surprised me a little. After I read it, I immediately glanced over to my shoe "rack" in my room. Out of the shoes I see presently I don't think I'm in love with any particular one at the moment. Actually, come to think of it... I don't pick up very nice footwear at all. Ironically, with the amount of walking that I tend to do I really should treat my feet better. I remember this one presenter saying, shoes are very important, it can change how a person present themselves because afterall it holds up your whole body. It might have been from a movie and the person was probably justifying their huge (either in terms of numbers or price) shoe collection.

If I must write about one pair of shoes it would be my pair of leather boots. I purchased them at Aldo this past boxing day. It was a rather quick purchase. I actually walked out of the shoe and came back for them. I wasn't really looking for a new pair of footwear but when I saw them I just knew. They are brown, come about ten centimeters before my knee, and have a bit of an elevated heel. They look really great with tights or skinny jeans. I love how they make a sound as I walk. You can use them casually everyday or match it with something that' s a little more fancy for going out. Of course, the cherry on top was that I got them $100 off retail price. Now, how can anybody not love something that they got a great deal on?

p.s. the title and subtitle was a pun... get it?

Don't let them fool you

they are just about as lost as everyone else.

This is what my bosses (orientation leaders) told us during frosh week. It holds so much truth in the business world and even in everyday situation. Those people that you look up to on stage, those people that seem to have everything just flow to them, those individuals seem to be naturally gifted at everything they lay their fingers on...well 99% of the time it's all a show. I remember teachers and successful individuals that would certainly agree. I actually do believe that under everyone's skin are their own set of insecurities that they may choose to not display at all, display under special circumstances or only to selective individuals. So as I am here, allegedly in one of the best commerce programs in Canada, one of the hardest programs to get into, around THE leaders of tomorrow I feel intimidated. Sometimes I feel out of place. Sometimes, no often, I ask myself if it was by mistake that I made it here. What if I was that last person that they offered the spot to? Inferior, that's it... I feel inferior. Especially when it comes to making new friends...darn those people that become bff's upon their first glance on each other. But then, I sometimes remember that maybe that isn't the case. That maybe, well hopefully, it's all just a show and when it comes down to it we are all on the same boat more or less, worried about the same things.

This post is dedicated to my Harbord class of 2010. Believe me, if at any moment you've had any doubt or worries know that it's normal, you're not alone. Give it some time and it will all work out. There will always be something better down the road.

Day 12: A Song I want to play at my wedding.

The song I want to play at my wedding is not really a song, but a musical piece called The Princess Waltz by John Debney. I'm pretty sure it's an orchestral piece. It's an original piece from the movie The Princess Diaries. Years ago, we had a time where we had a free preview of the movie channels. At the time, the Princess Diaries and Rush Hour 2 were the features. Now, these were the days where my brother and I would be at home all day long in the summer. Thus, we have watched these two movies sooo many times. I loved the Princess Diaries and to this day I think it's probably my second favourite movie? This song comes in near the end after Mia accepts the crown and is making her way into the ball room with her royal grandmother. At the end of this piece, Mia walks out into the balcony with that main protagonist where they kiss and her feet "pop." I loved the piece of music, but in the credits it didn't list the song title. I assumed that it was just another piece of background music that I will never encounter again unless I replay that part of the movie. I even found the movie's soundtrack and had no luck. But then one day, thanks to the help of youtube, I discovered the song's origins. I've managed to download it and play it often, usually when I want to hear something peaceful. I think I would love to have this song play at one point of my wedding. It is so elegant, peaceful like I've already said and it'll be like my own fairy tale, princess ending.

And here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUOJcoRl_dY

It doesn't have to be big

to make a difference.

Day 4: Your favourite quote.

I love quotations, if you already didn't know this about myself. Actually I had this brilliant idea of creating a wall of quotes in my dorn room using neon cue cards... obviously didn't get on that yet... A part of the reason is because I left all my old journals that contained basically all my valuable quotes at home. I don't want to just randomly search up quotes through the internet...

I've thought of what it'll be like to visit home more than once now. I'm afraid the idea of sleeping in my old bed already gives me a foreign feeling. Maybe, I guess hopefully it won't by the time I'll actually be home.

My favourite quote would have to be: There is always sometime better down the road. - at

One of my closest and dearest friends said this to me at a time approximately four years ago when I was at one of my rawest, miserable, hopeless period of time. I remember her saying it out of encouragement through the phone as I wiped my cheeks that was probably flooding with tears. She probably doesn't realize it to this day, but that moment and those words made a huge impact on me that day and to this day. In a cliche way, you should almost envision it as one of those turning moments or the light at the end of the tunnel. Things didn't go better immediately after her words, but it's the sense of hope and optimism that remains with me till this day. Inevitably things go wrong all the time, but as long as we persevere, as I have in turn advised others and remind myself in times of need, something better will always be down the road.

My window brings

so much sunlight into my life.

I love natural light and being outside in comfortable fall and spring weather! Because I'm on the fourth floor, whenever I roll up my blinds it brings some amazing light into my room. I literally feel happier as the sunlight shines onto me.

So I don't have class until 10am. It's so funny, practically every other day class starts at 8:30. It's so similar to the high school every Wednesday late opening schedule...

So as I've promised to catch up:

Day 3: Your favourite book.

I remember reading a lot as starting from grade 2 (when my mom pushed some academic sense and devotion into me, until grade 7 when I discovered msn). Since then I have not read nearly as much as I wished I had, but I do pick up the odd books and it excites me. So I'll just touch upon 5 quick types of books or books...fair enough?

1. Sarrah Dessen: She is a teenage romanace writer. I love all her books! They're very laid back reads, but I do enough them very much although they are never really that substantial... My secret theory is that I enough teenage drama/ romance books so much because it's my way of experiencing those things without living through it myself. I would never want to be a teenage mom, but it'll be interesting to see what it was like for someone else to be.

2. Twilight series. I enjoyed this series very much actually. I thought the author did a very good job writing it so that the flow made it very fast and enjoyable to finish all four books. I didn't think the first movie was that bad either, never watched nor plan to watch the rest of them though. Once tweens took over Twilight I just turn away from all the chaos. Can't deny I enjoyed the series though.

3. Brave New World. We read it in grade 11 english. We had a lot of fun with it as a class because we were not expecting the type of extreme things that were happening. Good book.

4. The Kite Runner. at read it in her english class and told me I must read it. I did for my grade12 English summative. It was pretty epic.

5. What I Saw and How I lied. I think this is the only book I've read this summer. I picked it up at the library as I was with my camp kids doing library time. It was a good book, thus the gold sticker on the front stating it's an award winner or nominee.

-Got to run for class...at least I technically blogged!

I have a habit

of failing to maintain the habit...

So this 30 day blog challenge thing really isn't working out...I'm still thinking about catching up and maintaining the flow... The second day of class is complete and I guess I'm starting to develop a good flow for everything: going to class, eating in the cafeteria, using my spare time wisely in the dorm.

Today I had COMM103 and the course material for just that class is about $300! I think I finished buying all the books for this semester and it totals $598.80. (I got a good deal with the secondhand economic books and accounting books from a friend). You know at Queens people call economics "ee- con" for short while at HCI we called it "echo". I said "echo" today and the other person looked so confused. I had to explain...

Today after buying the used textbooks I came home to skype with wl. You probably don't want to know this, or will immediately roll your eyes as you read this, and I'm sure it's a bit cliche but every moment spent with wl one way or another right now is soooo lovely.

Here at Queens I think I only gave at my blog url... so at... (that's your initials... you know the one that lives down the hall with all the comics? if you're actually reading these let me know one way or another...)

So today should be day...11 in my blog challenge.

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently!

Haha, the one day I decide to blog and it's such a easy post. The following picture is from after the paint fight we had and was referring to from the last post. I wish I have more pictures from frosh, but we were told not to bring anything my our keys.. and I didn't want to risk dirtying my camera. I still have the coveralls. Supposedly, it's a tradition to wear them to EVERY football game. We're not supposed to wash them... someone down my hall ACTUAL showered in them because that's the exception to not washing them... I just put it in a garbage bag today and popped it into the bottom of my closet... it still reeks of paint.

What's Queen's Best Faculty?

commerce, commerce!

Nevermind just in Queens. After today's legendary series of event I honestly believe Queen's Commerce has the most craziest frosh in all of Canada... probably all of the world. First we had the cheer off with the engineers. We formed two congo lines with like 360 students. They put face paint all over us so that we'll look tough! We cheered with all our might. When we won, we (once again it's almost 400 people in total) started running for the lake. We all jumped into the lake with all our clothes as we continued to cheer even louder and splash everybody. Under any other circumstance I don't think I would just walk into the lake with my shoes and everything! To end off the day we had a paint fight. That's right, imagine the craziest water fight you've ever had...but with paint. They gave us coveralls in our frosh packages and then garbage bags to cover our hair right before the event. They put two big harps on the ground and surrounding the harp were more than 30 cans of paint... the buckets of paint that you were buy to paint your house walls with. Everybody squeezed onto the harp and paint just started flying. Within seconds people jumped the whole bucket of paint into the air, onto other people's head. The harp was slippery and eventually we just decided to roll on it if we felt our coveralls weren't dirty enough. We hugged each other as they were damp with paint. The paint got into our hair, onto our hands, shoes, and even steeped through onto my clothes under and my underwear! As our cheers goes: Commerce is the shit! too legit to quit!

Now I'm going to a k-os concert. Woot?

Open doors

brings happy strangers into your room.

I don't remember much about day two. We went on a bus tour of the town, well downtown basically means princess street. Then there was this planned session called Open Door time. I had my door open and was actually in the process of hanging clothes into my closet. I took the longest time deciding how to arrange my clothes. The closet is lovely, but it doesn't have enough shelfs for the regular old tops and bottoms. It makes no sense to hang everything, nor would there be enough space. So the idea of open door is so other floor mates can visit you. A couple of guys just walked in, flopped on my bed and started chatting as I continued to hang clothes. I think this was the first time I felt like comfortable (as in I didn't feel the uhh... I don't know anyone awkward feeling). I remember laughing, smiling and joking around like I would back at home. It was like the first time I was able to be the raw me. We got to know each other better too, despite just doing silly talk. It was interesting, at one point I asked one of them when his birthday was and it turned out that out of the four people in the room at the time 3 of us had our birthdays like 4 days apart next month! That means party on our floor!!

-Sept 5

Day 2: My favourite movie.

My favourite movie would have to be A Walk to Remember. I don't even remember how and why I first saw this movie. I think cc recommended it. I cried so much the first time I watched it. Actually, I cry basically every time I watch it. Every so often, when I feel like I need to cleanse my system of tears I would totally turn on this movie. I think it's so prefect! I loved the flow. I guess, upon deeper analysis, it's the plot that really sucked me in because it's kind of me? I've come to realized that I have a hidden sweet tooth for rebellious boys. To have me change a boy? To have them fall in love with me? To not tell the world about you having cancer because you don't want people to act weird? To be a big, proud, intelligent nerd? To be bullied and have the boy stand up for you? To have the boy go up to your minister father to ask permission to take you out for dinner. To simply be with the person you love? To cuddle in the arms of the love of your life on the front porch with not a care in the world because you have already found the one.

It was so new

but it felt so average.

At the end of the summer I planned to start a 30 day blog challenge and realized that if I started the day I move into residence (Sept 4) then the last blog entry would be on my birthday!! Unfortunately, upon arriving in Watts' Hall I found that I could not connect to the internet, although everyone else on my floor could. I really wanted my internet because I wanted to skype with wl, friends and report to mom you know? I remember spending so much time on the first two days in residence locked up in my room trying to make the internet work instead of interacting with my new floor mates. They all knew I was experiencing such a problem. I asked many for assistance but they couldn't figure it out. Eventually I called ITServices the next morning.

Friday night was kind of hectic. I went out to the bank to exchange all the loose change dad came me from his car. When he counted it at home he claimed there was about $70 but when I exchanged it at the bank the teller counted $50 something. She only counted it once... I didn't think she was too accurate, but I didn't want to insist on counting everything again...especially since I spent like 1/2 hour at a closed counter trying to roll the coins into rolls. You would not believe how hard it was! Or how embarrassing it was, especially when the coins would explode over the counter and onto the floor . In my defence, the paper rolls they came me were very thin pieces of paper that didn't even have something at the end to prevent coins from falling out when you pop them in. Nor, can you tell exactly how many coins are inside.

Once I left the bank I ran into al. I had to think awhile to remember how I met this guy that was in a year older than me. It was grade nine art class. For some reason I run into him so much on the street randomly. He asked me where I was going for school. He was telling me how Rotman accounting was so hard. Apparently a lot of people fail a lot of courses...and they don't even find out they fail until they're already in second semester. (If you fail first semester course, even if you pass second semester you don't get the second semester credit). As we were conversing a person walking their bike on the sidewalk ram they bike's front wheel right into my legs! As I ,was turning around to look at the person I remember being so pissed and thinking, "How in the world do you have to ram into me when there's so much space on the sidewalk?! Just say excuse me.." But when I looked at the bike owners face there was a big grin. It was ds. He just came back from Portugal. I started teasing him about not inviting me to his little party on Sunday. (I was actually babysitting). He ended up walking me to the post office and then we went to his house so I had somewhere to write my last farewell cards.

By the way, earlier that day we went to Pho Ling and I ate an extra large bowl of pho because I thought I was so hungry! After 1/3 in I was already full...but I finished everything in the end! I feel accomplished? Haha, it's something to brag about right?

Mom eventually calls me home for dinner. Guess she wanted the whole family to sit down for a meal before I left despite the series of chaos in the house from the sleepover night and the cellphone issues.

Once they finished eatting they started loading the car for me. I wasn't even all done packing. I wanted to shower first so I was kind of upset that boxes were being lugged into the car without my consent so I won't even know what is where. Cl was supposed to help me call Rogers and get a good retention plan but he was so busy. So minutes before 9pm (when their office closed) I decided to call and try again myself. I was on the phone for over an hour but I worked out two real sweet deals. js came to pick up his card and ph came to exchange cards. That night I stayed up till almost 2am skyping. When I eventually rolled into bed I had difficulties falling asleep. I remember questioning whether it's because I'm nervous or whether I'm just not tired.

The next morning jk and at came over and bid me farewell like best friends would. Mom and I went to the mall to pick out new phones for our new phone plans. Long story short, they wanted us to pay $35 each on the phone for upgrading and the phone price itself! The guy there, Fransisco, advised us to call into customer service and negotiate what we can. In the end I walked away with a decent new phone, buy also a super frustrated dad.

We didn't even starting driving up until 11ish. I remember texting in the car. A big suitcase and the fridge was in the back seat so I sat in between my dad and mom in the front. My dad's car actually has a seatbelt and seat for the front middle (6 person car). I remember thinking, "Oh my god, I'm so close to dad who's driving. If I even lean the wrong way or nudge him he can drive us off the road! So dangerous!" I started getting a headache, probably from half lack of sleep, half uncomfortable car ride. After maybe half an hour I eventually fell asleep on my mom's shoulder and didn't really wake up until we were like 35km from Kingston. There were random spots of traffic congestion and storm clouds. With the map we had it was pretty easy to find my residence. Once we drove off the highway I knew we were at the right spot because I saw the similar boring suburbs with it's plazas and bingo houses from the other two times I've visited Kingston.

Once we got onto campus there was a lot of cars! But I guess we were lucky to find a parking spot not too far. I was in a tank and shorts. When I got out of the car it was freezing! I picked up my keys and started lugging things up. My room looked exactly like the room in the virtual tour online. I am very satisfied, especially after seeing some of the other rez these past few days.

I think we had a floor meeting and then went out for dinner the first night. There was also the rez rally. There were so many people packed in our new school gym. People were cheering so loudly. As most things in Queens I find... it was epic! Our Watts cheer was:

We like big beds and we can not lie,

The other rezes can't deny

When I'm asleep

and your alarm goes arm

I'm still in bed GOODBYE!

watts, watts, watts, watts, ... watts, watts, everybody! x2 (say watts repeatedly to the rhythm of the song shots).

Before I slept that night I read my farewell letters from tt, al/cc, ph, jk and at. When I read jk's letter I started tearing up a couple of lines in. I can totally hear her voice saying the card out loud through her writing. She was being her funny witty self. I loved all the cards so much.

Now for my blog challenge...

Day 1: Your favourite song.

To be honest I don't think I have a single favourite song. Like I was explaining to a friend yesterday, I listen to basically mainstream music. It`s not so much because I`m narrow-minded... I just didn`t put the effort or was exposed to other types of music. The one thing about songs is that I connect a lot of songs to specific people and events. I`m sure this happens to a lot of people but as the song starts I will experience once again those feelings I felt while listening to those songs or see the faces of people I associate certain songs with. For example:

True- Brandy

Stand up for love - Destiny child

If I ever see your face again - maroon 5 ft. rhianna

Unfaithful - Rhianna

World - Five for fighting.

Short entry, but I don`t have a favourite song... and I wrote so much other stuff so it`s okay.

- Sept 4

Grandma

makes the best instant noodle.

There's a brand of oriental instant noodles called MaMa Mien. For as long as I can remember that was the brand of noodles that my family purchased. The pork favoured one to be exact. Just thinking about it can make my mouth water. I think it's from this noodle that I have created my MSG addiction. I guess I'm not proud of this addiction health-wise, but every so often I love indulging in MSG filled chinese fast food. My grandma babysat me as a child. When she makes MaMa Mien it is the best thing ever!! Maybe it's the way she cooks it, the amount of water she uses, the amount of favouring she pours in, or the timing she leaves it for but for years long after nobody including the hundreds of times I have this noodle again does it taste the same.

Earlier this summer I said to my beloved grandmother, "Before I leave for school I am going to come over and you should make me a bowl of instant noodle one last time." Minutes ago I was just at my grandma's house. I`ve been such a bad granddaughter. She lives in Little Italy and Ionly visit a couple of times a year. She lives with my uncle and his family. I went to pick up the mini fridge that my uncle is lending me for school. I stood in her bedroom as she was taking out a fan out from a pile of stuff in a corner of her room and tears just started pouring out. I didn`t know what to do. I just stood there and cried. I love my grandma. She raised me. She has always been good to me. Soon she saw me crying and started tearing up herself. She told me to stop crying. To do well in school (and to not get involved with boys yet). I told her to take care of herself. Be safe. Ask for help. Don`t save up all her money and spend it on herself. She insists that she`ll be fine. But inside that is what scares me the most. I am so afraid that while I`m gone, or just one day...she will eventually leave. knock on wood And I don`t want her to leave us, ever.

One very loyal blogger

has been awaiting this post.

Last night I had my farewell gig with two of my favourite people in the world. They sleptover for the first time in the hmm... 6ish years that I have known them. Since then, we have been a part of one and another's lives more than I could and should explain on this blog. There were times where we would report every tiny details that happened that day in the evening. It's so interesting how despite all going to different high schools, through each other we knew so much about the other two schools, the teachers and the students. In short, I LOVE THESE TWO AMAZING LADIES!

So my mom made a lot of food for us. We stuffed ourselves. js and al left early after a few rounds of mah jong, being spoil sports and deciding not to spend the night. We did girly things like masks, nails and the of course late night girl talks. Around three in the morning we were laying around in my basement living room when ideas, courage and excitement began to fill our minds. I don't think I'm going to reveal the specific details on this blog. Let's just say, between 3am-4am I went behind my parents back and did something I have never done before. We were so scared and nervous. I couldn't believe they were convincing me to go ahead with it. We were running and laughing and holding each other's hands. One of my friend said, "Isn't this rush and adrenaline amazing?" Hmmmhm. Once we were lying on my couch again, safe and sound and undetected I was able to say in relief... "Wow, I can't believe we just did that..and yes it was fun." If I was by myself though I would never have done something like that though. In the following hours the party just started. We were laughing so hard! We were losing it! I remember my head swaying and getting up to go to the washroom. We didn't want to let each other fall asleep even though one of them had work at 10am and the other at 4pm. By dawn, my brother and mom got up for work and I pray they didn't notice anything. Well if they did, they didn't say anything yet.

After last night I feel more ready for next week. It was a real way to end the summer. I can say in another way now that I`ve lived the teenage life.

Maybe tonight will also be a night to remember. ;)

Kids

just make you happy.

So I'm currently babysiting for that exclusive family I babysit for. They are really adorable, their parents are nice and I love their house! It's not like a mansion or anything, but I love how they fit everything together and it's very homey, and very theirs you know what I mean. I'm on the mother's Macbook. Damn, the keys feel so nice to type now... maybe I should have just gotten a MacBook... since everybody is telling me I overpaid for my laptop now.. including my brother who was the one who chose it out! Gr..! Well hopefully, my laptop at home will lap me ATLEAST 4 years without any/many road bumps. I should name my laptop, just like jk. Mr. Laptop, don't worry I still love you. Eventually I'll come home to you.

Earlier this evening I had the most difficulty recalling what I did for the last week since I've come back from camping and offically became unemployed. Wow. When you don't have a committed regular job your time just kind of flies away from doing what seems like nothing. tt, I think I might understand how you can possible blog so much now.. I think it has to do with your Mac Book. I actually feel like I'm typing so much faster.. Weird..

So since I took a nap earlier this afternoon and because I'm getting paid for these hours, after I read to the kids and tucked them in I decided to start writing my farewell cards, since it's kind of like doing "work." I know my goal was to finish all my packing tonight.. but today was just so hot I couldn't really bare being anywhere but my basement while the sun was blazing.. I did manage to fit in about an hour of solid packing/cleaning before I came here though! Maybe I won't sleep tonight... I thought about getting my sleep schedule regular again.. but then I realized that during our sleepover later this week we probably won't sleep at all.. so what's the point? Actually, for frosh next week I probably won't be hitting the stacks at 10 PM either.. sooo I should finish packing tonight. *nods.

So before I left the kids' room I told them I'm leaving for school and I won't be able to see/ babysit them until probably Christmas. They came me hugs. Yes, sometimes I have to call after them more than once to get them into bed, but for priceless moments like this they melt you! Then as I was writing my farewell cards the instrumental for You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift came on from my ipod. I had to download it earlier this month, because my group of girls were singing and dancing to it for their end of summer talent show. The song brought back so many memories. They worked so hard on that dance and by the end they were flawless! I am so proud of them. I miss them, I can see all their smiling happy faces in my head. It kind of makes me think: hmm, maybe I would/should go back...but no. I can always and will visit.

An important thing in life is to know how and when to let go and move on. I need to move on from camp. Yes, it's a secure job and I love the kids but until we walk forward we will never find out what can be waiting for us next.

I'm about to leave in 6 days. There are basically two knots that I feel I need to tie. Before I had so much anger, I just wanted to yell in their face and tell them how much I hate them and why...to make things even? Get it off my chest. Then I think, what's the point? Maybe I should just leave it, leave it the way it is now.. lives seperate and apart, but it's frustrating. It needs a proper ending. It needs to come out. I need closure. So maybe instead of screaming (where would that get me) them I thought of writing them a card (more mature). To state my farewell...to say last words...to suggest we all move on from whatever it was. I don't really think I want to restart any friendships, but it'll be like cleaning the plate so that if our lives criss cross again we could possible. It's inevitable that we'll run across each other on the street someday. Maybe we can do something more than pretend we see right through them or need to look the other way. Maybe I'll write the cards and give it to you one day. I don't know. I just want to leave this behind me. I'm so over it.

On a happier note, I'm going to start a new stage in my life. I can't dare hope for anything too amazing but I do hope I'll enjoy myself. Was that weird? I just said I don't dare hope.. but I guess I am hoping. I've learned new things. Queens will be different too. From reading tt's blog frosh sounds like some wild animal party! Queen's a party school... I don't know how to party... I think. Hehe! I can't wait to have some fun.

Today, as I was reading to the kids I was so choppy! The farewell cards were also the most writing I've probably done all summer. My brain muscle rotted! I had to run for the streetcar too on the way here and I was not happy with the huffing and puffing! Why can't I ever develop muscles (be it body or brain) and keep them!

I feel like jello! (Body physically... and maybe a late night crave.. since I've been eatting so much junk anyways)!

Yeah... long blogs (like tt's) definately has to do with the Mac Book influence. This is such a long post and it took no time to type.

Packing my life

into cardboard boxes.

At first I really wanted to just talk about things that have happened these last two days... but once again rs's words resonated in my head and so I'm going to try to blog about something more substantial.. right after I talk about my last two days.

Yesterday I went up to cc's house with al. On the subway ride there we were talking about my world religion elective and this guy that was sitting kind of close to us butted into our conversation and said something like, "Religion is a bunch of philosophies..." or something alone those lines." When we got to cc's big house in the middle of nowhere we started bbqing. mx and her sister dx joined us. After an afternoon of eatting we went into to rot on her couches. I brought Lindor Lindtt white chocolate balls as like a host's gift for cc. I was about to eat one cause everybody else was.. but then they were like it's 25% of your daily fat intake and I already ate so much food so I decided to save it for later. A while later I realized that I was lying on it. You know how Lindor Lindtt just melts heavenly in your mouth.. well it melts when you lie on it too! It got on my new favourite blue cropped shirt!! I was so devastated! and knowing it's 25% of my fat intake I was like, " Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! grease stains don't come out!!

This morning I went with js to Chinatown. We ate at the House of Gourmet. I swear I've eatten there more these last two months than I have in the last 4-6 years. I think I have a new favourite chinese restaurant dist: wonton and beef noodle in soup. Love that MSG soup! Afterwards I went to ct's house to pick up the sccc money while js went to get a haircut. I had a nice little chat with her. I had a lot of fun with her this summer actually. Can't wait to talk to her again about stuff! We shopped around with js and eventually came home. We were supposed to go to the mall but js decided not to.. so I took a nap. It was such a nice nap. My blankey is SOOOOOOOOO GOD DAMN HEAVENLY!

So today I was going to blog about..oh dear, I totally forgot.. well I remembered just as I'm typing I forgot. My room! My room has been super messy all summer long even though I've tried to clean it now and again. Right now you can barely walk in it. I'm aiming to clean it all up and pack everything by the end of this weekend. I was supposed to work on it this afternoon but then I took a nap, and then I started talking to wl on skype. I WILL work on it though tomorrow. PROMISE. Who knew packing up your room would be so hard, and that there would be so much stuff to buy. I swear on my own personal money (buying bits and pieces of small things) I`ve spent like almost $200. That`s obviously excluding the stuff my mom`s been buying me all summer long. I can`t wait to finish packing. I`ve been reading tt`s blog. Let`s just say life in Montreal is CRAZYYYYY! I can`t even explain it. I wonder if my frosh will be like that. I wonder if I will go wild with this new freedom like she is doing. So eyy, I`m leaving in 8 days...

The wheels on the bus

go wee, wee, wee.

Well actually, the wheels on the bus don't go wee, wee, wee but that's the animated sound effect of how I sounded when wl left today. After lunch it was kind of like a rush, we almost didn't make the bus. Due to the rush bidding farewell wasn't that bad...well as bad as I feared. No tears at the bus station. It's okay, we'll see each other soon right? Right.

I was talking to rs earlier this evening briefly. I haven't spoke to him for a long time actually and he said... " that is why I try not to make my blog my online diary." It's not really a diary for me..I write about whatever, but it's usually inspired by daily events. So for this post I am going to talk about the different ways people cope with saying goodbye. (more specifically, how parents cope with bidding farewell to their children as they go off to university.)

So the first way is as mentioned before...trying to avoid it-ish. They try to kind of pretend it's not happening...delay things like packing or discussing the departure. The next way is stressing out about it (aka my mom's approach). She's been frantically nagging me about packing and not procrastinating and etc... and at first I thought it was kind of annoying that she was more stressed and concerned than myself.. I knew I had everything under control.. but then I realized that since my family isn't really the love expressing type this is just her way of showing she cares and loves me. She probably would never go out and plainly say I'll miss you. On the other hand, there are the parents that will keep reminding you that they will miss you and don't want you to go. That's the worst guilt trip, to know you're making other people (especially your parents) worry. In earlier stages of this third type of parents they would have likely tried to bribe you to stay close to home. The fourth way is to have the parent do everything for you, attend to all the travel details and pack everything down to your own underwear. The fifth type that I'm going to touch upon is the tough lovers. These parents might even say straight out that they want you to leave. There might have been tension and you feel like you can't get out of their house faster, but when the morning comes that you have to leave it'll still jab a little to part with your moms and dads. And no matter what type of parents you have, and whichever approach they seem to be taking towards your departure if you are a student going away for school, just remember that they love you.. and that they'll miss you whether they know how to express it properly or not. It's a tender time for both sides. Trust, I bet we'll all be homesick at one point or another.

If there's excitement

it's a good beginning.

Yay, I get to blog again! As the title might hint, I am very excited at the moment, five in the morning to be precise, to commence blogging again. The duration while I took a break from pretty much the internet world I didn't miss it too much. I was more or less occupied the whole time. It was nice to take a break from blogging anyways, although it would have been nice to have had my summer adventures documented somewhere.

As you may also see evidently, I have decided to change my blog title and blackground. It was a tough decision, and somewhat heart breaking to part with my old url- everythingaz. I remember that exact moment where I decided to jump on the bandwagon to start blogging with some high school friends and thought that the title would be perfect! (and I still enjoy the pun very much). As for the background... at first I thought the grass was okay... since it was kind of blurry...but then I like the sophisticated-ish combination of colours and text that came with this background image. I also thought it might be appropriate because Kingston probably looks something like this (little exaggerated..but I'm sure there's some truth).

So why did I start blogging again. Well first I am typing on my new laptop that I brought just hours ago! I wasn't really picky at the store other than the fact that it looked decent and that the screen wasn't too big..but now that I'm using it I'm starting to love it more and more. I love the keyboard! (shoutouts to my honey). Second reason is because I just read one of tt's latest blog posts from Montreal and honestly, it's like reading a teen fic. It made me want to start blogging again to document and share hopefully my own exciting adventures that will hopefully come? Another reason is because, the rare occasions that I've logged onto blogger, my friends who've haven't frequently blogged when I left picked up the pace again. The final reason is because of one special individual. He's leaving tomorrow. Earlier tonight, as I was attempting to fall asleep (and failed, therefore I'm here) I thought of all the sweet memories we've created. I thought of how he'd read all of my blogs and check multiple times a day to see if I've posted a new post- and I think that's cute. I think he enjoyed it and I guess it's kind of selfish, but I started smiling imagining him read my blog posts miles away. So I'm going to start blogging again, so you can start following again. I thought of dedicating a new blog to you entirely... but I think one blog is enough distraction. I have to see you to the bus station in a couple of hours I think so I'm going to try sleeping again...boy, I haven't been up at 530AM for awhile... Boy...I haven't exercised my brain muscles for awhile... BOY, I haven't exercised in awhile, period. hehehe.

It's in the most intense moments

that the truth comes out.

I think the reason I haven't been blogging lately is cause there are certain lovely individuals out there that I prefer to not be a part of my audience...but I really do love my blog address. So yeah, once again...because of you guys.

It's supposed to be

the past now.

I can't believe I can't fall asleep.
It's one in the morning, I have had this headache all day and I have work again tomorrow morning.

I can't believe that what she said is actually bothering me this much.

I can't believe I can't stop thinking about it.

I lie in bed, head pounding, thoughts stirring trying to remember what exactly it was that they all claim I did, trying to figure out how it went wrong, imagining how things could have all been different, imagining what it'll be years from now.
Would our paths cross again?
Would these things ever change?
Am I really this dysfunctional?

& I can't help but ask myself, am I really this monster that they all see?

I can't believe, that now that it's all over and done it...I somehow let it start bothering me.

Stupid

in love.

Mmm, stupid in love, oh
Stupid in love, hmm

Let me tell you something,
Never have I ever been a size 10 in my whole life
I left the engine running, I just can't see,
What you would do if I, gave you a chance to make things right.
So I made it even though Katie told me that this would be nothing but a waste of time, and she was right.
Hmm, don't understand it but on your hands,
Just knew that you're sister repeated you're trying to tell me lies and I just don't know why.

Oh, this is stupid, i'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like i'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but i'm not stupid

My new nickname is “you idiot” (such an idiot)
Hmm, that's what my friends are calling me when they see me and ringing to my phone, they're telling me let go, he is not the one.
I thought I saw your potential,
Guess that's what made me dumb.
He don't want it, like you want it, screaming and cheating, oh girl why do you waste your time?
You know he ain't right. You telling me this, I don't wanna listen.
But oh, ya sis repeated you're trying to tell me lies and I just don't know why.

This is stupid, i'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like i'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but i'm not stupid

Tryna' make this work
But you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep holdin' on
But the dumb's cap is off
You don't know what you've lost
And you wore all your lies till i'm gone, gone, gone...
But I was the one, which one of us is really gone
No, no, no, i'm not stupid in love

This is stupid, i'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like i'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but i'm not stupid

I may be dumb but i'm not stupid in love

-Rihanna, story of my past

Memories

from my journals.

Today I was continuing my attempts to pack and I opened my green box that I keep my most treasured possessions. I came by the journal I starting at the beginning of grade nine and flopped down in my bed and spent about almost an hour rereading the whole journal. wl was on the phone with me the whole time and I was reading out sections to him. We were laughing so much. When I get a chance I will take out some quotes. As I read what I wrote I remember so clearly once again the details of that day and moment. If it were not for the written reminders I think such priceless memories will forever be buried and eventually forgotten in my memory somewhere. This is why I write journals: to be able to read and laugh at the funny moments and just smile at the sad ones knowing it's simply just a part of the past.

So some funny moments:
1. How I was scared for the choir auditions in grade nine.

2. How tt dragged al out into that hallway between the cafeteria and health room so that al can _____________________ (hahaha, love you loads al, but there were just so many moments involving you that made me LOL)
3. How al sent me a halloween-o-gram in grade nine and when I recieved it in geo zr, am, and ap starting ouu-ing and ahing so loud that mr. baker had to hush them

4. the year after mine's LIT camping trip: wq asked al to go get a spatula from the food tent and al came out with a pot OR when al was about to pour water on cut pieces of watermelon cause he wanted to "wash them" (disclaimer: im not sure these are real facts, but its according to tt)
5. cute memories with js
6. laughing at the entries where i called ____ my friend cause both wl and i know its no longer the case
7. laughing at how i was stressing out for December exams in GRADE 9!!
8. laughing at how i somehow got 60% on my BTT test
9. sighing at all the bitching i got from al's friends for not taking his perfume in grade nine (people, TELL me you remember this and can't help but laugh/smile or go 'oh god')

It was fun reading my journals!!
I bet I'll have the same joy when I reread my blog posts in due time.

To realize

they don't really know me at all...

Two friends from high school that I would have to consider my closer friends from school told me things about me in a "not to offend me, but more for your well being" kind of way. They gave me a reflection of how I am, how other people see me and some "advice" that I might want to consider for being "results" down the road. As their words are absorbed into my ears I get that sinking feeling (like your heart just drops, like you're falling into a lightless pit, the sorrow and disappointment) because based on what they are saying I know that after FOUR years they still don't understand or know or appreciate the real me. But then again, I don't think anyone in high school really did, and that's why I always felt like the outcast, the ugly duckling. High school has given me so many reasons to be insecure and now as an individual I AM, and this is why high school was not the time of my life.

Mind you, I really bonded with certain people, especially in grade twelve, but in the long run I'm just not any of your "top choices." I don't understand why it comes so naturally for others and for me... how I try and try and I feel you guys don't give me your time of day. You guys brush me off or forget about me or just assume things.

This isn't really a vent post nor am I really unhappy in general. I'm happy with life right now. Reflecting on grade twelve, all those hours spent on homework, all those hours not "living life" I think it paid off in the end and I guess I'm glad I made those choices. And for all those that think, "If I know I'm going to die tomorrow, would I want to think I spent my last days studying?" In general I'm stereotyped as someone that just spends too much time studying, and maybe I do...OR maybe I was just never felt welcomed or was presented an alternative to spend my time with/doing. What I wanted to say was, at this current moment I think that even if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I still would have spent the day studying for that test- JUST in case I don't actually die tomorrow, you know?. This may sound really emo, but it's so well phrased I just have to put it out there... at least after studying I have knowledge and a report card to show my anxious parents...after hours spent trying to get to know you guys (loosely speaking) I'll probably be forgotten sooner or later or forever be remembered as someone that I'm not.

p.s.

And maybe it's my fault, and from your perspective I was the unwelcoming one.

And maybe, I'm not really the person I think I am and you guys were right.

But I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a friend that'll be there. (And hey, I may not expression the joy of quantity- but I am so grateful for my few quality ones.)
And even that one person I should hate I still feel sympathy for them when I hear how their life is screwing up.
And if I were to see them trip, I will sure as hell laugh and might even step over them...but maybe...and unfortunately I'll turn around and help them up when noone else would.

Urges

of delinquency.

I should really get over these urges to go wild when I'm frustrated. When I'm angry I feel the need to rebel, and let's just say I know I will find myself in a pot of hot water if I were to act on these stupid unrelated ideas.

Let's just sum it up with the words of Rhianna, "Once a good girl goes bad, we gone forever."

On another note, school is done! I am happy to say that I have secured my spot at Queens and let's just say given my mood right now I'm looking forward to this escape. I look forward to a change of environment, a shot at something new. I won't say I anticipate something amazing, because the last time I thought something was going to be the "time of my life" it was for high school and look how that turned out. Then again, after high school I really think things can't get worst. (knock on wood)

Hmm, whatever. I can't wait to graduate university and start doing things that I can wake up and look forward to everyday, be with people that I want to spend a lifetime bonding with, and work with decent people that seem like they've grown up. Jeez, _________ is such a corrupted and dysfunctional place.

Right now, I feel like I want to START packing already. Prom felt like just another one of those things that I just needed to cross off a list. I guess, high school was more or less in general. Having said that, I am still extremely glad I went to HCI and there are things, people and events that I am very grateful for.

All in all though, after today, I think it's going to be a loong summer.

How to you explain

that feeling...

...where you're so happy and everything feels so perfect that it's beyond comprehension, where you feel any explanation will be far inadequate to explain those fireworks exploding in your chest, where you're confident that it is impossible to explain such joy, or compare this moment and these feelings to anything else because you know this is something special, this is something rare.

I apologize for the poor english in this post.
Promise to post something more substantial than these frequent choppy posts.
Nights, I am so drained...

Some things

just become second nature.

So I was wandering about last night downtown shopping and whatnot. There were a couple of moments where we were browsing about and I thought, "I should go home and start on that to-do list." or "I should go home and sleep I have __________ to do tomorrow." But a split second later I would realize, "What am I saying?! I DON'T have anything else to do. No more homework. No more studying. No Bubble Face. Work doesn't officially start till Monday."

Hah, I'M DONE SCHOOL!!
I just need to get my marks on Wednesday and offically feel released.

Well, full time work training starts Monday as I mentioned before. Here goes to the start of my 2 day summer vacation!

Life's goood.

Note to Self

Do not start panicking during an exam.

It just leads to more panicking..

=(

Don't let exams

take over your life.

Haha, I'm kind of funny, I know. I don't know how many times I've checked my dashboard and nobody has updated in the last 13 hours. Tsk Tsk.

So tired.
Don't know international law yet though...

Just putting it out there

I could really use a wish right now.

Since I'm kind of exposing myself let's put it out there that I am friggen scared right now (pardon the language).
I am scared that within these next 8 days or so I'm going to let my scholarship (and if you're reading this blog you should know the value I'm talking about) slip through my fingers.
I have never been less motivated academically.
I have never been so ill-prepared for exams.
I have never experienced such a urge to just give up- cause I can't take this pressure anymore...?

See through the layers

cause not many people have been able to.

I guess it's somewhat of a classic story line. Female "heroine" that finally meets someone to be her hero, so that when they're alone she no longer has to maintain her tough personna. She can exprience being rescued for a change. There's someone to show her vulnerabilities to, someone to understand how she thinks, someone to appreciate everything she's done cause they have been there or at least heard of all the late nights, early mornings, cuts and bruises that she has endured along the way.

So hear it from someone that's been there. Surround yourself with people that you're "somebody" to, where you're irreplaceable, where it would matter whether you were around or not. Take pride and joy in being a part of something, but when you realize that the show goes on, that the next person is ready to step up to the plate to bat if you don't, that you're just a small pixel on a larger cavas you'll be greatly comforted to be able to humbly turn and still see those things and people that always mattered (provided that you were able to keep that healthy balance all along).

Sleep

for once, I'm good for sleep.

For the last two evenings I've been allowing myself plenty of sleeping, letting myself doze off probably before the 10pm mark and waking up at least 10 hours later.

I woke up around 2:45am because I was actually no longer sleepy. I just wrote in my real journal and caught up on other people's blogs.

I was going to blog about scents or how content I am currently with a certain someone...but I guess I should just go study. Time is crunching...I'm so scared for my exams!!

Dust trails

or new horizons?

I start this post with mixed feelings due to a few new perspectives I have gained in the last couple of weeks. I don't know how to explain them or whether its appropriate to discuss, but I know these new angles will be beneficial to myself as I continue to walk down this road called life.

Imagine we were able to feel what someone else felt. We all label certain feelings universally because we're told that's joy, that's sorrow, that must be love, but how do we know for sure? How can we really say, " I know how you feel?" Well, having said that recently that phrase, "So that must be how it feels" floated through my mind. Each time were interesting moments and I would say it with a nod or a shrug.

Mothers

just know.

I think those three words just says it all. Oh my god...

It took roughly 17 years

for mommy and I to properly bond.

Not to say I didn't love my mother before, but in recent months I have never been so grateful for her, admired her so much, missed her, and loved her so much!

In these last few years I have seen my mother grow and mature. Hahaha.. no really!
I've seen her become more proficient in english. I have seen her grip through challenges and become a happier and more optimistic person. I think she became more beautiful too!

In the last year she has perplexed me with how reasonable, lenient and understanding she has become with "teenage privileges" (I guess you can call it that). She has been extra super caring and loving- taking care of all the household chores to allow me to focus on school and making sure I'm well fed and what not.

She actually publicly professed her love to her daughter, me! (As you can make the connection, she doesn't normally do that) and now I can't suppress how much I looooooveee my mommy (so I wrote this post)!!

I didn't see my mom for roughly 24 hours and I actually MISSED HER SOO MUCH! Last night I got home, got ready for the CAC banquet and left before she got home. By the time I got home last night she was already asleep. This morning she already left for work again before I woke up. While I was studying I stopped for a second and realized how long I haven't seen my mother (yes, I have been away from home for trips and what not before). I told wl that, "I bet if I told her I didn't see her for 24 hours and missed her she would respond with, "Well, what's going to happen when you go away for school in the fall?" When I saw her this evening the first thing I told her was that I missed her and she instantly responded with what I predicted she would say.

Ah, I'm so happy with our daughter-mother relationship now. (Knock on wood) Personally, I think we have come a long way. :) !!

Another

bump on the road.

I'm so agitated right now.

I feel terrible, not just personally, but for bringing everyone else's mood down too.

I feel so incomplete.

I feel the need to rebel, to I don't even know what.

Do you ever get the feeling: I want to do something really stupid right now?

Can you please explain why I'm like this chronic nut case?

I asked:

what are you going to take away from me, to compensate for being so happy?

A door never closes without opening many windows. The conclusion to high school is so close yet so far away.

I'm beginning to lose interest for blogging, or maybe it's just because others have not been posting extra intriguing blogs. (Not to be offensive, but I just think everybody has been so busy).

I wrote in my actual journal just a couple of minutes ago. I want to finish that journal so then I can start a fresh one for the summer. So I think I am going to transfer from blogging to good old writing in my journal again.

I think I am going to give wl my facebook and blog passwords to keep me off and focused on school.

So as the song goes, "So long, farewell, to you my friend ....until we meet again."

Sorry to disappoint those that follow my blogs, and for those blogs that I follow- hopefully I'll have ample to read when I log back on after my last exam. I look forward to it already!

p.s. He said, "Wow." Tehehe, just had to get it in here!

Abecedarian

An abecedarian is a person who is new at what they're doing. You can see that the word "abecedarian" has the roots "abc", which is the beginning of the alphabet. If you're just learning your alphabet,


...

rs wrote the above blog. He told me it was inspired by my blog title. He told me to finish it...but of course I'm not going to.

Did I mention that I think rs is very uber cool!

Guilt trip

by a six year old.

For those that see me bike around you would have likely thought: "She's looks funny with the huge helmet." Something along those lines: a little nicer, a little ruder. I understand. I don't think it's the most appealing either. The reason I wear a hement is not really because I'm afraid of cracking my skull in a biking incident. I'm not that convinced that if such an accident were to occur that plastic on my head would save me either. As lame as it may sound, I wear a helment to be a role model.

Last summer, I was biking to work and was in the process of locking my bike before entertaining the camp premieses. Just then, one of the Group A girls, she was probably 6 or 7 years old bikes up next to me on her own little bike. Her dad was right behind her with his bike as well. They were both wearing helmets. She looks up at me, with your big eyes and innocent smile and asks, "Where is your helment?" To be frank I don't remember the exact wording, but I do know the effect of the conversation where she probably said something like, "But don't you always need to wear a helmet?" To which I probably replied, all the while getting nervous out of guilt, "That's right, you should always wear a helment. I just forgot mine's today (a fib) I promise I'll wear mine's tomorrow though."

And I've kept that promise. I don't think I've ever rode my bike without a helmet since that day. The first exception was last night when I was rushing out in the evening to meet up with mr to work on our law trial. As I hopped onto the seat of my bike I realized I forgot my helment, but because I was running late so I nervously let it go and biked away. It actually made me feel weird and insecure. Coincidentally, the night before a close friend crashed her bike on the street had to go to the hospital. That made it extra nerve-racking as I biked down down the same street I've biked down probably hundreds of times before, shared by big, fast, cars.

By the way, it's "illegal" to bike and not wear a helment ey? By law you're also supposed to have a bell and lights once it gets dark. To bad helmets are still frowned upon from the fashion respective. But, if enough people just START wearing their helmet then it'll just become the norm, and like me you will be frowned upon for NOT wearing a helmet instead.

After last night, and the feelings of incompleteness without my helmet I have a new appreciation for my helment(s). And over time...I've realized that helmets don't even look that dorky... The only limitation with biking is that I can't wear dresses or skirts. Booo...

We're all about women's right

but some things are better left traditional right? - rw

Last night the intention to ask kind of stirred in my mind.

This morning I decided what the hell, why not?

This afternoon I was putting away my Scrabble game and thought "ahah!"

Later that evening....

A: Hey unscramble this. Toss him a zip-lock bag with Scrabble letter tiles in it.

X: Huh?! (there was after all about 20 tiles in the bag)

A: It's a phrase. 7 words.

X: Laughs. Can I at least get a subject?

A: No... (thinks: it'll be too easy)
X: mumbles something like oh my god....

A: Fine.. I'll tell you the number of letters in each word: 4, 3, 2, 2, 4, 4, 2

X: Writes down the number of letters.

A: Continues what she was doing thinking he's going to be awhile.

-7 seconds later?-

X: Yes!

A: Looks up, surprised. The tiles were still unscrambled in front of him. Are you even sure what it says?

X: Rearrange tiles.

May 23

the one hundredth and forty three day of the year.

I had a really good time yesterday. I didn't get ANY homework done, but I had a really good time. I can't even explain it. It's like everything kind of just changed for the better, well everything except my marks are changing for the better.

I'm glad I refused my rationale and went with my heart's desire. Sometimes, it's good to spoil yourself.

Liquid Courage

are you working? or is that just the good old me?

As I mentioned before I believe in karma. I don't know when, but gradually I realized that I believe in karma: what comes around goes around. I believe that if you do something good you'll receive something good in return. If you do something that is to be frowned upon, you will be punished for it one way or another, eventually. I chose to believe in karma as I guess almost my life principal because it keeps me on the right track. I refrain from immoral conduct in "fear" of being in debt with higher powers. I am able to be grateful for many wonderful things that has happened to be me in the last 17 years and sometimes I can't help but wonder is this the fruit of opening that door for that mother pushing the crib, telling that lady she dropped her phone, offering my seat on the streetcar? because I can't understand why else I would be the recipient of so many things to be grateful for. As many of you may be thinking, these are things that you anybody should do, but I couldn't think of better examples at nine in the morning. So I believe that life is "fair." I've had occasions where I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep at night and I become afraid. I become afraid of what it's going to cost me for being so happy and satisfied with what's going on in life right now. When life is at an all time low I encourage myself by thinking that things will get better down the road or by thinking back to what "luck" I've already had so maybe I should just suck it up.

"I believe life is fair, whether that's true or not, I don't know."

I guess... I'm an optimistic?

Grey's Anatomy,

you are my life and soul

Tonight was the MOST INTENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (underline x100) Grey's Anatomy season finale.

I am speechless.

I have so much homework.

It was INTENSE!

Libraries

shall become my second home.

Interestingly enough I mentioned this in math class today and several people agreed with me. In recent weeks, I am no longer to concentrate and study at home. I did to isolate myself in a library or a study room, be in solitude, distance myself from the distractions that come with computers and internet in order to be able to do homework and study!

Sadly, those multiple consecutive hours that I once would have been able to sit down at my kitchen table in my bedroom studying can no longer exist. I wish I still could! It would save so much transportation time.

On the bright side, I'm naturally converting to university lifestyles, correct? Nobody really studies in their dorm...well actually I think I might get a single room connected by the bathroom layout (so I guess I could still possibly study in my single bedroom). I think I'll flip a coin on it. I'll let you know the results.

p.s. I just got home from work, then the library.

I brought an expired bottle of salad dressing from a Chinatown supermarket because I was making chicken salad with my class for work. I knew I should have read the expiry date AT the supermarket, but I was already running late and I had trouble locating the date so I thought, "What the hell." Just before I was going to toss the thousand island sauce into the lettuce I decided to look for the expiry date again. It said, "10 Jan 17" or something along those lines. I knew for sure it was JANUARY 2010 though. I mean common, it was Kraft salad dressing from an ASAIN supermarket. The sad thing was I didn't even have the receipt! But, I had to go back to buy something at the same market anyways so I though what the hell, what's there to lose in trying to see if I could get a refund? It was kind of exciting anyways. I thought I might have been able to threaten to report them to the Health Agency for having uhhh 5.5 months expired products on their shelf if they refused to give my three something dollars. Honestly, to my surprise they didn't give me a hard time really- EVEN though I didn't have my recipe! They didn't even really make an effort to verify I actually brought it from them, etc... They just read the expiry date..and I bet it's cause they knew they would naturally be guilty of something like that. They mumbled some things in mandarin and then gave me back my $3.29. ACTUALLY, it was $3.29 but they give gave me three dimes instead SO if you really think about it a made a penny profit. It's obviously not the money, but the nature of the situation that counts and that's worth a tinny smirk as I turned around and leave the supermarket. It was worth the $3.30 investment on the supermarket's part. As I was waiting for the manager to come out I decided mentally that if they would to give me a hard time I would never shop at that particular market again. Since they were "reasonable" about the whole situation I can't deny a new weak loyalty towards them. *shrug