I asked:

what are you going to take away from me, to compensate for being so happy?

A door never closes without opening many windows. The conclusion to high school is so close yet so far away.

I'm beginning to lose interest for blogging, or maybe it's just because others have not been posting extra intriguing blogs. (Not to be offensive, but I just think everybody has been so busy).

I wrote in my actual journal just a couple of minutes ago. I want to finish that journal so then I can start a fresh one for the summer. So I think I am going to transfer from blogging to good old writing in my journal again.

I think I am going to give wl my facebook and blog passwords to keep me off and focused on school.

So as the song goes, "So long, farewell, to you my friend ....until we meet again."

Sorry to disappoint those that follow my blogs, and for those blogs that I follow- hopefully I'll have ample to read when I log back on after my last exam. I look forward to it already!

p.s. He said, "Wow." Tehehe, just had to get it in here!

Abecedarian

An abecedarian is a person who is new at what they're doing. You can see that the word "abecedarian" has the roots "abc", which is the beginning of the alphabet. If you're just learning your alphabet,


...

rs wrote the above blog. He told me it was inspired by my blog title. He told me to finish it...but of course I'm not going to.

Did I mention that I think rs is very uber cool!

Guilt trip

by a six year old.

For those that see me bike around you would have likely thought: "She's looks funny with the huge helmet." Something along those lines: a little nicer, a little ruder. I understand. I don't think it's the most appealing either. The reason I wear a hement is not really because I'm afraid of cracking my skull in a biking incident. I'm not that convinced that if such an accident were to occur that plastic on my head would save me either. As lame as it may sound, I wear a helment to be a role model.

Last summer, I was biking to work and was in the process of locking my bike before entertaining the camp premieses. Just then, one of the Group A girls, she was probably 6 or 7 years old bikes up next to me on her own little bike. Her dad was right behind her with his bike as well. They were both wearing helmets. She looks up at me, with your big eyes and innocent smile and asks, "Where is your helment?" To be frank I don't remember the exact wording, but I do know the effect of the conversation where she probably said something like, "But don't you always need to wear a helmet?" To which I probably replied, all the while getting nervous out of guilt, "That's right, you should always wear a helment. I just forgot mine's today (a fib) I promise I'll wear mine's tomorrow though."

And I've kept that promise. I don't think I've ever rode my bike without a helmet since that day. The first exception was last night when I was rushing out in the evening to meet up with mr to work on our law trial. As I hopped onto the seat of my bike I realized I forgot my helment, but because I was running late so I nervously let it go and biked away. It actually made me feel weird and insecure. Coincidentally, the night before a close friend crashed her bike on the street had to go to the hospital. That made it extra nerve-racking as I biked down down the same street I've biked down probably hundreds of times before, shared by big, fast, cars.

By the way, it's "illegal" to bike and not wear a helment ey? By law you're also supposed to have a bell and lights once it gets dark. To bad helmets are still frowned upon from the fashion respective. But, if enough people just START wearing their helmet then it'll just become the norm, and like me you will be frowned upon for NOT wearing a helmet instead.

After last night, and the feelings of incompleteness without my helmet I have a new appreciation for my helment(s). And over time...I've realized that helmets don't even look that dorky... The only limitation with biking is that I can't wear dresses or skirts. Booo...

We're all about women's right

but some things are better left traditional right? - rw

Last night the intention to ask kind of stirred in my mind.

This morning I decided what the hell, why not?

This afternoon I was putting away my Scrabble game and thought "ahah!"

Later that evening....

A: Hey unscramble this. Toss him a zip-lock bag with Scrabble letter tiles in it.

X: Huh?! (there was after all about 20 tiles in the bag)

A: It's a phrase. 7 words.

X: Laughs. Can I at least get a subject?

A: No... (thinks: it'll be too easy)
X: mumbles something like oh my god....

A: Fine.. I'll tell you the number of letters in each word: 4, 3, 2, 2, 4, 4, 2

X: Writes down the number of letters.

A: Continues what she was doing thinking he's going to be awhile.

-7 seconds later?-

X: Yes!

A: Looks up, surprised. The tiles were still unscrambled in front of him. Are you even sure what it says?

X: Rearrange tiles.

May 23

the one hundredth and forty three day of the year.

I had a really good time yesterday. I didn't get ANY homework done, but I had a really good time. I can't even explain it. It's like everything kind of just changed for the better, well everything except my marks are changing for the better.

I'm glad I refused my rationale and went with my heart's desire. Sometimes, it's good to spoil yourself.

Liquid Courage

are you working? or is that just the good old me?

As I mentioned before I believe in karma. I don't know when, but gradually I realized that I believe in karma: what comes around goes around. I believe that if you do something good you'll receive something good in return. If you do something that is to be frowned upon, you will be punished for it one way or another, eventually. I chose to believe in karma as I guess almost my life principal because it keeps me on the right track. I refrain from immoral conduct in "fear" of being in debt with higher powers. I am able to be grateful for many wonderful things that has happened to be me in the last 17 years and sometimes I can't help but wonder is this the fruit of opening that door for that mother pushing the crib, telling that lady she dropped her phone, offering my seat on the streetcar? because I can't understand why else I would be the recipient of so many things to be grateful for. As many of you may be thinking, these are things that you anybody should do, but I couldn't think of better examples at nine in the morning. So I believe that life is "fair." I've had occasions where I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep at night and I become afraid. I become afraid of what it's going to cost me for being so happy and satisfied with what's going on in life right now. When life is at an all time low I encourage myself by thinking that things will get better down the road or by thinking back to what "luck" I've already had so maybe I should just suck it up.

"I believe life is fair, whether that's true or not, I don't know."

I guess... I'm an optimistic?

Grey's Anatomy,

you are my life and soul

Tonight was the MOST INTENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (underline x100) Grey's Anatomy season finale.

I am speechless.

I have so much homework.

It was INTENSE!

Libraries

shall become my second home.

Interestingly enough I mentioned this in math class today and several people agreed with me. In recent weeks, I am no longer to concentrate and study at home. I did to isolate myself in a library or a study room, be in solitude, distance myself from the distractions that come with computers and internet in order to be able to do homework and study!

Sadly, those multiple consecutive hours that I once would have been able to sit down at my kitchen table in my bedroom studying can no longer exist. I wish I still could! It would save so much transportation time.

On the bright side, I'm naturally converting to university lifestyles, correct? Nobody really studies in their dorm...well actually I think I might get a single room connected by the bathroom layout (so I guess I could still possibly study in my single bedroom). I think I'll flip a coin on it. I'll let you know the results.

p.s. I just got home from work, then the library.

I brought an expired bottle of salad dressing from a Chinatown supermarket because I was making chicken salad with my class for work. I knew I should have read the expiry date AT the supermarket, but I was already running late and I had trouble locating the date so I thought, "What the hell." Just before I was going to toss the thousand island sauce into the lettuce I decided to look for the expiry date again. It said, "10 Jan 17" or something along those lines. I knew for sure it was JANUARY 2010 though. I mean common, it was Kraft salad dressing from an ASAIN supermarket. The sad thing was I didn't even have the receipt! But, I had to go back to buy something at the same market anyways so I though what the hell, what's there to lose in trying to see if I could get a refund? It was kind of exciting anyways. I thought I might have been able to threaten to report them to the Health Agency for having uhhh 5.5 months expired products on their shelf if they refused to give my three something dollars. Honestly, to my surprise they didn't give me a hard time really- EVEN though I didn't have my recipe! They didn't even really make an effort to verify I actually brought it from them, etc... They just read the expiry date..and I bet it's cause they knew they would naturally be guilty of something like that. They mumbled some things in mandarin and then gave me back my $3.29. ACTUALLY, it was $3.29 but they give gave me three dimes instead SO if you really think about it a made a penny profit. It's obviously not the money, but the nature of the situation that counts and that's worth a tinny smirk as I turned around and leave the supermarket. It was worth the $3.30 investment on the supermarket's part. As I was waiting for the manager to come out I decided mentally that if they would to give me a hard time I would never shop at that particular market again. Since they were "reasonable" about the whole situation I can't deny a new weak loyalty towards them. *shrug

Disbelief

in you and in me...well actually only in you, but it rhymes better with me.

I went out of my way to give you the opportunity to present a case.

I have drove my friends up the wall contemplating what to do.

I sat there like a fool for 45 minutes, waiting for you to go to class only to see you outside and do nothing.

I was humane enough to second guess my decision.

I lost two nights of sleep over this (well I slept for two nights as a way of dealing with it)

... actually, over this? Over what?! Apparently, nothing to you at all.

Not worth your time?
Not worth your pride?

Nope, not worth you wasting your emotions on, cause we all know all rare that comes around.

My boyfriend

pillow.

In the last post I referred to my "boyfriend" pillow. This was a Christmas gift from my best friend/older sister/other half, jk. I simply love this girl! We have come to be so close in the last year or so and I am so happy and grateful for that. I can't even imagine how different my life would be without the joy and laughter she regularly drags to my house along with her.

If you haven't noticed, I am a sentimentalist. I adore and fall for anything sentimental, that has meaning, that I can treasure and hide away and bring out to look at everyone now and again and then years from now. Unfortunately, I don't think I have met someone that share this odd passion with me at my level. I am not going to say I've never received anything sentimental because I have!! I have also given many, many sentimental gifts. I would spend hours just WRITING a birthday card and jazz like that. I guess secretly (or not so secretly anymore) I wished there would be someone out there that understands why all this sentimental stuff matters to me and would make the effort to spoil me with it. If you have to ask for something- that practically defeats the point right?

My boyfriend pillow is one of the most sentimental gifts I've ever received. jk brought a couch pillow filling, yellow fabric and SEW a case for the pillow. She chose yellow specifically to represent "an Asian" guy - cause she knows I'm you know.. I fall for Asian guys. She was going to sew onto the face of the pillow a animated very stereotypical "face" of an asian guy (funny eyebrows, squinty eyes... I hope this isn't offending anybody). The pillow as a whole was supposed to represent the boyfriend that I had yet to meet. Whenever I hugged the pillow it would be like me hugging my "boyfriend." And yes, I hug it a lot. Other than the pillow I sleep on my family doesn't own any pillows that we just have on the bed or just lying on the couches, so my "boyfriend pillow" became very useful. This year I've had long nights studying and working on the computer and I would use the "boyfriend" as a seat cushion (makes a BIG difference I tell you). We always refer to the pillow as the "boyfriend". My brother would actually take the pillow, hug it, then say something like, "I'm hugging your boyfriend, what are you going to do?" Or, if the pillow falls on the floor and someone accidentally steps on it we would go, "Why are you stepping on the boyfriend?!" Hope you get the idea.

I now feel the need to acknowledge other sentimental gifts I've received/ items I have treasured away in my room somewhere. I'm afraid others would be offended if I didn't mention some of these.. Just going to list a couple:

1. Friendship letter from ph on valentine's day.
2. Blue rose from js to represent "the unobtainable"
3. Customized card and matching tshirt from bl.
4. Pieces of writing by and from js.

5. All the letters at and I used to write to each other.

6. The special birthday bag al and I used to give each other birthday gifts.

7. Birthday card tt wrote me with a picture of us inside.

8. Jar of stars cc folded me.

9. Card and necklace camper made me.

10. I don't know anymore...wasn't my thesis: I don't receive many?

ouu...and al said he's in the making of a surprise for me for end of school so I'm super excited for that!

Dear John

thanks for letting me realize.

A Walk to Remember is my favourite movie. As you may already know it's based on the book by Nicolas Sparks. I would cry every time I watch this movie, but I haven't watched the movie in more than a year. I haven't cried for a long time either. I guess it's a good thing, but sometimes like when you don't have nose bleeds for a long time and then you get a massive one, I believe that crying once in awhile cleanses your system.

Sleeping is my way of treating with denial sometimes. If I'm feeling lonely, confused, frustrated, sad I jump into my bed, pull the covers over and hide. I remember there was that phase where I just constantly slept, cause it was the only way time pass quick enough. Being conscience was just too much to bear. I don't know how many hours I spent crying and I wouldn't let my family see me so I let my blanket and pillow soak up all my tears. Sometimes I really question how much my mom knows or knew.

Well so in light of the last 2 nights of resorting to popping into bed at like 8/9ish I decided it's about time to let it out? Since Dear John is also based on a book my Nicolas Sparks I felt I should watch it even it's just out of loyalty. I waited till the whole family went to bed, then I grabbed my blanket and "boyfriend" pillow and started the movie. Actually, I was contemplating on going to the theatre in the movie and watching the movie there alone, but it was no longer playing. I started the movie at like 2am? Within the first 1/2 hour I think the scene/moment I've been hoping for finally came. I was relieved when my eyes got glossy, heavy and my vision blurred. There was a feeling of accomplishment when the tear finally rolled down my cheek. And it just felt right when I was plain out sobbing and emotions buzzed through me. (yeah, yeah, emo..whateverrr).

For the record the movie was not that great. Halfway through the play screen something that was really unconventional love story-ish happened. Then a couple of minutes later the movie ended with the no real conclusion at all. What did they do did capture fantastically are the raw emotions of a love. I didn't cry really because of the protagonists' story, I think I cried because I related some of the things that happened- in the sense that yes, I've felt that before and no I don't feel that way. I cried because I realized... realized.. compared.. realized...I realized.

It hurts

to know that you don't make me happy.

This note has been inspired among other things by rl, and if I may I would say I'm writing this note on her behalf (note the difference in tone/narration).

It hurts that I'm upset with you. It hurts that I'm no longer happy. It hurts to think that I want more, when I already know I'm so blessed. Under normal circumstances, if a person is making you frustrated you're simply frustrated at them. In these cases, every time you trigger frustration I get more frustrated at myself. I get frustrated at myself for being frustrated at you because I know those "reasons" you frustrate me are not valid at all, and more often than not- it's not even your fault. This makes me madder and it makes me sad. When you try to make things better the guilt just accumulates. It hurts even more because it further proves how great you are. I know I should be happy and if even out of politeness I should smile and probably I will so that you will never know inside I'm even more shattered than before. Before a simple apology would make us Romeo and Juliet again, but now it's almost as though the more you do for me the further I feel myself drift from you because I've come to realize those things that bug me, those things I long for deep down inside, how I truly feel about you- it won't change.

So it depresses me that you've given me the world and I just want to turn away.
It depresses me to know I can't return what you've done and how you feel about me and be the person you deserve.
It depresses me to know I don't have the courage to be fair to you and walk away.

And so we go in circles. Me happy, me sad. I'm satisfied, then not. You just there, always just dealing with it, probably even more hurt and confused. Sometimes I really do believe, believe in you and me.

After all this back and forth though, maybe...maybe what really hurts is to know that I'm lying to myself.


-----------------
Ha, I can't believe I actually wrote and posted this...I wish blogs would let us tag people.

Lists

attempt to keep my life in order.

A couple of years ago I started a habit of making lists. For the most part lists became necessary to organize my weekends. I have a bad habit of pushing assignments to the end of week so that I can complete most things from the last week and complete as much as I can that's due in the next week all in that one weekend. I love the feeling of triumph when I am able to cross off every last item from my long lists. Ususally that's not the case. I put everything down that I should do, but I guess I really don't expect to accomplish it all. Recently lists have become very useless. I NEVER finish everything. I can barely cross off one or two items, partly because I'm procrastinating way too much and partly because each assignment/item requires atleast 5 hours or so to finish...There's "less" assignments so I don't need to make lists to remind myself..but dreading to set aside 5+ hours just make me procrastinate more!

I just made a SUPER LONG AND DETAILED lists of things to accomplish this weekend...and I think I NEED to and WILL cross off everything. Completing this weekend to do list will recreate some self-confidence in myself that I CAN focus and do all this studying..and that I DO have the determination to be able to be productive again.

Let's not

turn blogs into playground fights, shall we?

I couldn't help but notice how personal, blunt, and harsh I guess some of our blogs have been getting. I don't know about others, but one of the main reasons I started a blog was to improve my writing (and getting to know other people better/ stay connected to friends). On a daily basis I check my dashboard for other people's updates because I like reading their writing. The blogs I enjoy the most are insightful among other things.

rs is a true blogger. He blogs everyday. I can always count on a new post being up and what he writes about varies greatly. For these reasons I always can even say I anticipate his daily posts. I can learn new things and sometimes I can laugh out loud from reading his invisible author's comments.

On another note, I've been seeing a few posts of individuals using this venue to initiate and conduct "battles" with friends. I have this feeling that some of the things these people are saying won't be said in person, which I guess shouldn't be the case...

Blogs were and continues to be a fun thing...I'm just saying let's not turn this into something where our school administrators feel the need to monitor for cyber bullying or something. I know I have no right to tell you what you can/ can't and should/shouldn't write about because it IS your blog and you do have the right to vent, etc...cause I definitely do...but I attempt to make everything a bit anonymous... Basically...don't ruin blogging for others.

When you're grateful

there's just that many more things to be grateful for...

I think I am one lucky girl. I really can't complain. I may be far from having it all, but who the hell cares when there are people around me that can make me laugh and smile, when my body hasn't abandoned despite how poorly I've been treating it, when my mom still cares enough to yell at me for catching a cold, when my brother's willing to come home ASAP every time I forget my keys, when I have the liberty to want and is blessed with a little ability and big enough courage and determination to obtain.

Phew

thank god for late openings.

Title says it, pheeeww- I finished. Now for accounting homework...gotta squeeze it in there before school...

Just saying...

I went another night without sleep.

I think that twice in the last week now. I had an ultimate frisbee tournament yesterday too. So after a day of running/standing around in the freezing cold I came home to do my law report (still one more section to go..) and without sleeping I will head to school again. After school I'm supposed to report to another ultimate frisbee game. I don't it's a good idea for me to exercise AGAIN with no sleep...my legs kept going numb on me in the last couple of hours. There's a buzz going through them as we speak and a general feeling of weakness.

Dear, I really don't know how I do it... I was mentioning to jk earlier that I am sincerely perplexed at how hard I worked in the past. To wl I was asking how in the world I managed to complete all my homework and other stuff and still have time to be on the phone for 2-3 hours on a daily basis? At least I know I kinda of set myself up for these nights to some degree with my recently acquired professional procrastination skills, so inside I know I really shouldn't complain (and though it really does sound like im complaining..I'm not?). *whistles* I was just saying...

Right now, all I want (is finish this law report and somehow finish preparing for the witness prep tomorrow) is to hug my baby and N-A-P!

how did i get so lucky?

Thank-you mommy for giving me the best brother in the world!

I never tell him but he knows.

It's time

to do work.

I really do need to finish that data isu and law report. That's the only two thing I'm focusing on, but I'm sure some of my other subjects have bits and pieces that should deserve my attention too. Ah whatever, no more blogging till I'm finished these two items. Yesterday was the biggest waste of day, minus the creation of a really pretty photo album, minus not enough pictures I want.

Photos

makes memories that much sweeter.

Last night I finally purchased a new photo album after searching for the right album since Christmas. I am very excited about it. I just put in an online order to print out 83 pictures. The album itself holds about 200 pictures. It's square in shape, black and bears the title, "live(then an actual heart) laugh." On the front you can put one photo too. Trust me I was SUPER picky in my search for the "perfect album".

Collecting photos I guess is one true hobby I have. Since the end of grade seven I started a habit of developing photos that display highlights of the end at end of that year. I hope to continue this hobby and in my elder years I would be able to reminisce on memories I have compiled over the years. Maybe it'll be one of those items that my grandchildren will find in a box in the attic one day. They will be able to see their old grandma at their age. Isn't that a sweet thought? Listen to me, anticipating to have GRANDkids already.

Apology

to myself.

I apologize to the sleep deprviation.
I apologize for the execessive food intakes.
As of recently, I'm extremely regretful of eatting and then flopping into bed for naps, or even the whole night.

I apologize for not acting on my desires, for all those times I have and continue to want to do something just because I want to, but did not take action to make it a reality.
Why I always put other things first I do not know.

I am sorry for all the hateful thoughts that I let slip out of my mouth. I really do not mean to corrupt you into this way of thinking and feeling. I should be better than this.

I know you are disappointed with the ways I left you down. All those times I promise you something...just to default due to my lack of will power. As the words slip out of my mouth I part of me already knows that I won't be able accomplish it.

The worst part is, I think I know myself best...I knew all these things already and I don't have the discipline to knock myself out of the cycle. The worst part is...I don't even know if I regret any of it.

My ordinary life

is giving me fairytale signs.

I can't really believe it myself. It's like a higher power is playing with me. It's dark and it's cold. Just as I mischieviously let you cross my mind, there you are. The chessy background music pratically starts to play. And I catch a glimpse of you without you seeing me- not once, but twice now. Dear, dear, somebody really has a good sense of humour.

I don't get jealous

I'll just get even.

It's funny how girls (and I guess boys for the sake of argument) dresses up to impress another person that they are interested in.

Once in a (steady) relationship, generally you can not care less how you look, hopefully cause you're secure and convinced that to your significant other it's what on the inside that counts. Although, on the ocassion you do want to dress up for them/ you don't exactly strieve to see them without showering for multiple days.

Post-breakup, you ensure that your ex always sees you at your best. You don't want to run into them on a bad hair day, in your sweaty and smelly gym clothes, in what you sleepishly pulled on with your eyes closed due to fatigue, etc... This is due to the desire to show that you're living very well without them, perhaps even suggest your life is better nowadays.

Interesting ey? Just saying....

p.s. Have you noticed how much we use the term, "Just saying?" I have. I like it too, I would almost say one of lingos for the year...just saying. That along with... TBA.

Prom Rush

I wonder if dates are easier to secure after the prom frenzy...

Candy canes, easter eggs and Halloween candy all becomes discounted the day following the event... so does supply for dates increase when the demand for it decreases after prom? Surely, if there's higher supply and theoretically lower demand the price (relatively speaking) for a date should decrease. Then again, there's a reason why economics is theory based and can't be applied to everything I guess.

Observing the sudden urgency to be creative, contemplate and ultimately secure prom dates is cute and interesting. I'm perplexed, yet not perplexed at the alleged significance of this event- well having a date to go to this event.

For the record, if you're nervous... I think it means you care- that you don't want to screw up, and that's a good thing.

Halfway done my english isu essay. I actually feel the good essay vibe in me, so as long my energy stays up me till the sun comes up I am good my friend, I am good.
Ciao.