It's in the most intense moments

that the truth comes out.

I think the reason I haven't been blogging lately is cause there are certain lovely individuals out there that I prefer to not be a part of my audience...but I really do love my blog address. So yeah, once again...because of you guys.

It's supposed to be

the past now.

I can't believe I can't fall asleep.
It's one in the morning, I have had this headache all day and I have work again tomorrow morning.

I can't believe that what she said is actually bothering me this much.

I can't believe I can't stop thinking about it.

I lie in bed, head pounding, thoughts stirring trying to remember what exactly it was that they all claim I did, trying to figure out how it went wrong, imagining how things could have all been different, imagining what it'll be years from now.
Would our paths cross again?
Would these things ever change?
Am I really this dysfunctional?

& I can't help but ask myself, am I really this monster that they all see?

I can't believe, that now that it's all over and done it...I somehow let it start bothering me.

Stupid

in love.

Mmm, stupid in love, oh
Stupid in love, hmm

Let me tell you something,
Never have I ever been a size 10 in my whole life
I left the engine running, I just can't see,
What you would do if I, gave you a chance to make things right.
So I made it even though Katie told me that this would be nothing but a waste of time, and she was right.
Hmm, don't understand it but on your hands,
Just knew that you're sister repeated you're trying to tell me lies and I just don't know why.

Oh, this is stupid, i'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like i'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but i'm not stupid

My new nickname is “you idiot” (such an idiot)
Hmm, that's what my friends are calling me when they see me and ringing to my phone, they're telling me let go, he is not the one.
I thought I saw your potential,
Guess that's what made me dumb.
He don't want it, like you want it, screaming and cheating, oh girl why do you waste your time?
You know he ain't right. You telling me this, I don't wanna listen.
But oh, ya sis repeated you're trying to tell me lies and I just don't know why.

This is stupid, i'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like i'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but i'm not stupid

Tryna' make this work
But you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep holdin' on
But the dumb's cap is off
You don't know what you've lost
And you wore all your lies till i'm gone, gone, gone...
But I was the one, which one of us is really gone
No, no, no, i'm not stupid in love

This is stupid, i'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like i'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but i'm not stupid

I may be dumb but i'm not stupid in love

-Rihanna, story of my past

Memories

from my journals.

Today I was continuing my attempts to pack and I opened my green box that I keep my most treasured possessions. I came by the journal I starting at the beginning of grade nine and flopped down in my bed and spent about almost an hour rereading the whole journal. wl was on the phone with me the whole time and I was reading out sections to him. We were laughing so much. When I get a chance I will take out some quotes. As I read what I wrote I remember so clearly once again the details of that day and moment. If it were not for the written reminders I think such priceless memories will forever be buried and eventually forgotten in my memory somewhere. This is why I write journals: to be able to read and laugh at the funny moments and just smile at the sad ones knowing it's simply just a part of the past.

So some funny moments:
1. How I was scared for the choir auditions in grade nine.

2. How tt dragged al out into that hallway between the cafeteria and health room so that al can _____________________ (hahaha, love you loads al, but there were just so many moments involving you that made me LOL)
3. How al sent me a halloween-o-gram in grade nine and when I recieved it in geo zr, am, and ap starting ouu-ing and ahing so loud that mr. baker had to hush them

4. the year after mine's LIT camping trip: wq asked al to go get a spatula from the food tent and al came out with a pot OR when al was about to pour water on cut pieces of watermelon cause he wanted to "wash them" (disclaimer: im not sure these are real facts, but its according to tt)
5. cute memories with js
6. laughing at the entries where i called ____ my friend cause both wl and i know its no longer the case
7. laughing at how i was stressing out for December exams in GRADE 9!!
8. laughing at how i somehow got 60% on my BTT test
9. sighing at all the bitching i got from al's friends for not taking his perfume in grade nine (people, TELL me you remember this and can't help but laugh/smile or go 'oh god')

It was fun reading my journals!!
I bet I'll have the same joy when I reread my blog posts in due time.

To realize

they don't really know me at all...

Two friends from high school that I would have to consider my closer friends from school told me things about me in a "not to offend me, but more for your well being" kind of way. They gave me a reflection of how I am, how other people see me and some "advice" that I might want to consider for being "results" down the road. As their words are absorbed into my ears I get that sinking feeling (like your heart just drops, like you're falling into a lightless pit, the sorrow and disappointment) because based on what they are saying I know that after FOUR years they still don't understand or know or appreciate the real me. But then again, I don't think anyone in high school really did, and that's why I always felt like the outcast, the ugly duckling. High school has given me so many reasons to be insecure and now as an individual I AM, and this is why high school was not the time of my life.

Mind you, I really bonded with certain people, especially in grade twelve, but in the long run I'm just not any of your "top choices." I don't understand why it comes so naturally for others and for me... how I try and try and I feel you guys don't give me your time of day. You guys brush me off or forget about me or just assume things.

This isn't really a vent post nor am I really unhappy in general. I'm happy with life right now. Reflecting on grade twelve, all those hours spent on homework, all those hours not "living life" I think it paid off in the end and I guess I'm glad I made those choices. And for all those that think, "If I know I'm going to die tomorrow, would I want to think I spent my last days studying?" In general I'm stereotyped as someone that just spends too much time studying, and maybe I do...OR maybe I was just never felt welcomed or was presented an alternative to spend my time with/doing. What I wanted to say was, at this current moment I think that even if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I still would have spent the day studying for that test- JUST in case I don't actually die tomorrow, you know?. This may sound really emo, but it's so well phrased I just have to put it out there... at least after studying I have knowledge and a report card to show my anxious parents...after hours spent trying to get to know you guys (loosely speaking) I'll probably be forgotten sooner or later or forever be remembered as someone that I'm not.

p.s.

And maybe it's my fault, and from your perspective I was the unwelcoming one.

And maybe, I'm not really the person I think I am and you guys were right.

But I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a friend that'll be there. (And hey, I may not expression the joy of quantity- but I am so grateful for my few quality ones.)
And even that one person I should hate I still feel sympathy for them when I hear how their life is screwing up.
And if I were to see them trip, I will sure as hell laugh and might even step over them...but maybe...and unfortunately I'll turn around and help them up when noone else would.