Urges

of delinquency.

I should really get over these urges to go wild when I'm frustrated. When I'm angry I feel the need to rebel, and let's just say I know I will find myself in a pot of hot water if I were to act on these stupid unrelated ideas.

Let's just sum it up with the words of Rhianna, "Once a good girl goes bad, we gone forever."

On another note, school is done! I am happy to say that I have secured my spot at Queens and let's just say given my mood right now I'm looking forward to this escape. I look forward to a change of environment, a shot at something new. I won't say I anticipate something amazing, because the last time I thought something was going to be the "time of my life" it was for high school and look how that turned out. Then again, after high school I really think things can't get worst. (knock on wood)

Hmm, whatever. I can't wait to graduate university and start doing things that I can wake up and look forward to everyday, be with people that I want to spend a lifetime bonding with, and work with decent people that seem like they've grown up. Jeez, _________ is such a corrupted and dysfunctional place.

Right now, I feel like I want to START packing already. Prom felt like just another one of those things that I just needed to cross off a list. I guess, high school was more or less in general. Having said that, I am still extremely glad I went to HCI and there are things, people and events that I am very grateful for.

All in all though, after today, I think it's going to be a loong summer.

How to you explain

that feeling...

...where you're so happy and everything feels so perfect that it's beyond comprehension, where you feel any explanation will be far inadequate to explain those fireworks exploding in your chest, where you're confident that it is impossible to explain such joy, or compare this moment and these feelings to anything else because you know this is something special, this is something rare.

I apologize for the poor english in this post.
Promise to post something more substantial than these frequent choppy posts.
Nights, I am so drained...

Some things

just become second nature.

So I was wandering about last night downtown shopping and whatnot. There were a couple of moments where we were browsing about and I thought, "I should go home and start on that to-do list." or "I should go home and sleep I have __________ to do tomorrow." But a split second later I would realize, "What am I saying?! I DON'T have anything else to do. No more homework. No more studying. No Bubble Face. Work doesn't officially start till Monday."

Hah, I'M DONE SCHOOL!!
I just need to get my marks on Wednesday and offically feel released.

Well, full time work training starts Monday as I mentioned before. Here goes to the start of my 2 day summer vacation!

Life's goood.

Note to Self

Do not start panicking during an exam.

It just leads to more panicking..

=(

Don't let exams

take over your life.

Haha, I'm kind of funny, I know. I don't know how many times I've checked my dashboard and nobody has updated in the last 13 hours. Tsk Tsk.

So tired.
Don't know international law yet though...

Just putting it out there

I could really use a wish right now.

Since I'm kind of exposing myself let's put it out there that I am friggen scared right now (pardon the language).
I am scared that within these next 8 days or so I'm going to let my scholarship (and if you're reading this blog you should know the value I'm talking about) slip through my fingers.
I have never been less motivated academically.
I have never been so ill-prepared for exams.
I have never experienced such a urge to just give up- cause I can't take this pressure anymore...?

See through the layers

cause not many people have been able to.

I guess it's somewhat of a classic story line. Female "heroine" that finally meets someone to be her hero, so that when they're alone she no longer has to maintain her tough personna. She can exprience being rescued for a change. There's someone to show her vulnerabilities to, someone to understand how she thinks, someone to appreciate everything she's done cause they have been there or at least heard of all the late nights, early mornings, cuts and bruises that she has endured along the way.

So hear it from someone that's been there. Surround yourself with people that you're "somebody" to, where you're irreplaceable, where it would matter whether you were around or not. Take pride and joy in being a part of something, but when you realize that the show goes on, that the next person is ready to step up to the plate to bat if you don't, that you're just a small pixel on a larger cavas you'll be greatly comforted to be able to humbly turn and still see those things and people that always mattered (provided that you were able to keep that healthy balance all along).

Sleep

for once, I'm good for sleep.

For the last two evenings I've been allowing myself plenty of sleeping, letting myself doze off probably before the 10pm mark and waking up at least 10 hours later.

I woke up around 2:45am because I was actually no longer sleepy. I just wrote in my real journal and caught up on other people's blogs.

I was going to blog about scents or how content I am currently with a certain someone...but I guess I should just go study. Time is crunching...I'm so scared for my exams!!

Dust trails

or new horizons?

I start this post with mixed feelings due to a few new perspectives I have gained in the last couple of weeks. I don't know how to explain them or whether its appropriate to discuss, but I know these new angles will be beneficial to myself as I continue to walk down this road called life.

Imagine we were able to feel what someone else felt. We all label certain feelings universally because we're told that's joy, that's sorrow, that must be love, but how do we know for sure? How can we really say, " I know how you feel?" Well, having said that recently that phrase, "So that must be how it feels" floated through my mind. Each time were interesting moments and I would say it with a nod or a shrug.

Mothers

just know.

I think those three words just says it all. Oh my god...

It took roughly 17 years

for mommy and I to properly bond.

Not to say I didn't love my mother before, but in recent months I have never been so grateful for her, admired her so much, missed her, and loved her so much!

In these last few years I have seen my mother grow and mature. Hahaha.. no really!
I've seen her become more proficient in english. I have seen her grip through challenges and become a happier and more optimistic person. I think she became more beautiful too!

In the last year she has perplexed me with how reasonable, lenient and understanding she has become with "teenage privileges" (I guess you can call it that). She has been extra super caring and loving- taking care of all the household chores to allow me to focus on school and making sure I'm well fed and what not.

She actually publicly professed her love to her daughter, me! (As you can make the connection, she doesn't normally do that) and now I can't suppress how much I looooooveee my mommy (so I wrote this post)!!

I didn't see my mom for roughly 24 hours and I actually MISSED HER SOO MUCH! Last night I got home, got ready for the CAC banquet and left before she got home. By the time I got home last night she was already asleep. This morning she already left for work again before I woke up. While I was studying I stopped for a second and realized how long I haven't seen my mother (yes, I have been away from home for trips and what not before). I told wl that, "I bet if I told her I didn't see her for 24 hours and missed her she would respond with, "Well, what's going to happen when you go away for school in the fall?" When I saw her this evening the first thing I told her was that I missed her and she instantly responded with what I predicted she would say.

Ah, I'm so happy with our daughter-mother relationship now. (Knock on wood) Personally, I think we have come a long way. :) !!

Another

bump on the road.

I'm so agitated right now.

I feel terrible, not just personally, but for bringing everyone else's mood down too.

I feel so incomplete.

I feel the need to rebel, to I don't even know what.

Do you ever get the feeling: I want to do something really stupid right now?

Can you please explain why I'm like this chronic nut case?