To realize

they don't really know me at all...

Two friends from high school that I would have to consider my closer friends from school told me things about me in a "not to offend me, but more for your well being" kind of way. They gave me a reflection of how I am, how other people see me and some "advice" that I might want to consider for being "results" down the road. As their words are absorbed into my ears I get that sinking feeling (like your heart just drops, like you're falling into a lightless pit, the sorrow and disappointment) because based on what they are saying I know that after FOUR years they still don't understand or know or appreciate the real me. But then again, I don't think anyone in high school really did, and that's why I always felt like the outcast, the ugly duckling. High school has given me so many reasons to be insecure and now as an individual I AM, and this is why high school was not the time of my life.

Mind you, I really bonded with certain people, especially in grade twelve, but in the long run I'm just not any of your "top choices." I don't understand why it comes so naturally for others and for me... how I try and try and I feel you guys don't give me your time of day. You guys brush me off or forget about me or just assume things.

This isn't really a vent post nor am I really unhappy in general. I'm happy with life right now. Reflecting on grade twelve, all those hours spent on homework, all those hours not "living life" I think it paid off in the end and I guess I'm glad I made those choices. And for all those that think, "If I know I'm going to die tomorrow, would I want to think I spent my last days studying?" In general I'm stereotyped as someone that just spends too much time studying, and maybe I do...OR maybe I was just never felt welcomed or was presented an alternative to spend my time with/doing. What I wanted to say was, at this current moment I think that even if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I still would have spent the day studying for that test- JUST in case I don't actually die tomorrow, you know?. This may sound really emo, but it's so well phrased I just have to put it out there... at least after studying I have knowledge and a report card to show my anxious parents...after hours spent trying to get to know you guys (loosely speaking) I'll probably be forgotten sooner or later or forever be remembered as someone that I'm not.

p.s.

And maybe it's my fault, and from your perspective I was the unwelcoming one.

And maybe, I'm not really the person I think I am and you guys were right.

But I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a friend that'll be there. (And hey, I may not expression the joy of quantity- but I am so grateful for my few quality ones.)
And even that one person I should hate I still feel sympathy for them when I hear how their life is screwing up.
And if I were to see them trip, I will sure as hell laugh and might even step over them...but maybe...and unfortunately I'll turn around and help them up when noone else would.